Taking a break

So I know that the last time I posted I said I was back and ready to recommit to losing the weight and getting healthy.  I was going to get back on track!  Well the next day, my world was de-railed again - but in a good way.

My daughter has been struggling with an undiagnosed issue for over 4 years.  We have exhausted our options here and reached out to the Mayo Clinic.  They have agreed to see her and have booked a weeks worth of tests and consultations.  Hopefully at the end of that week we will have a diagnosis and then can begin treatment.  The downside is it will be very expensive.    Looking for Answers for Leah her journey can be found here A blog outlining So all my energy over the next couple of months will be focused on fundraising, writing letters of appeal and getting her emotionally and mentally ready for the trip.

On another positive note, normally in a high stress time like this I would be stuffing my face 24/7 as a way to deal with it all, I have not been.  I am  not craving food the way I used to.  I have been sleeping well with the help of the tracks and I have the confidence and inner strength to step way outside of my comfort zone and deal with all of this.

If I never loose all the weight, I will  still be eternally grateful to Christopher and his team for these positive improvements in my life.

I intend to return to the tracks and the blogging in September and look forward to catching up with everyone then.

Wish us luck!

I'm back!

Been away for a long time.  Haven't been logging my food or tracking my exercise.  Haven't been exercising as much as I wanted to and haven't been careful with my eating and I haven't been weighing myself.  And of course if I have let all that slide, I haven't made the time to listen to the tracks either.  Add all that together and I have gained a couple of pounds. 

Do I have a good excuse for any of this?  Good?  Maybe not, but excuses I have by the dozens!  Some are better than others, but mostly, life has been crazy hectic.  My work shut down for the summer so I have had to switch my entire life back to daytime hours.  Which means the nice schedule I had set up for myself, finding time to do things on my break at work, or when the kids were in school and the toddler was at my mom's has gone out the window.  I am back to on duty Mom 24/7.  Not that I am ever not a Mom 24/7, but now I am home and awake and available for all manner of needs, wants, crisis, appointments, school trips etc.

For the next couple of months I need to develop a new routine, a new schedule that I can keep to and benefit from.

So I guess my question right now is, do I start from the beginning with the tracks?  Start all over and work my way up to the operation again?  I will drop in on the Facebook forum and ask the question there as well, but as it stands, that is what I am going to do.

In the spirit of starting over, I have finally posted my measurements.  I have delayed this for an incredibly long time because I was just plain afraid of the numbers.  But here they are.

Neck 17", Waist 53.5, Hips 60", Thigh 28", Upper Arm  19", Chest  53"

I had also promised photos.  UGGGGHHHHHH!  OK here I am in all my glory!  (flash is deliberate!)

Still working my plan....

Only 2 weeks left until I am done my midnights for the summer.  I will work an additional 2 weeks of day shifts, on my feet for the entire day going room to room doing move out inspections after the students have left.  Between the heat, the 8 hours of walking and being back to daytime hours, I lose weight each year.  So *fingers crossed* this year will be the same.

I am hoping that once I get off the midnights, my body will normalize and stop being so stubborn and let go of some of this weight and regain some of its energy.

I am continuing to listen to the tracks and getting to the gym 2x a week and doing other exercise at home on the off days.  My water intake is still high and my portions and food choices are still good.

I see lots of new members on the support page and see that so many are actively using the tracks and finding some success.  Congratulations to all that have begun this journey!

Looking forward to the webinar on the 24th!  

Not fast enough - but it will have to do

I withstood the pressures of the Easter long weekend pretty well.  We had the usual family get together with lots of food, treats and desserts.  But, I was sensible and kept my portions small but varied - getting lots of tastes and flavours without over indulging.  I even did pretty good with the chocolate - I had an occasional mini chocolate pilfered from one of the kids baskets, but not the choco-fest I would have had in the past.

Kids are sick AGAIN!  So again, my trips to the gym are limited, but I have been increasing my walk during my lunch hour to compensate.

My Doctor's advice all these years was just to watch my portion size - if I did that the weight would just melt away.  Other's told me to simply add more water to my diet and I would notice "immediate results".  And of course everyone has said to just get moving - not necessarily exercise but just get moving more - walk more.

So I have done all those things PLUS listening to the tracks and while the weight is coming off VERY slowly, I had hoped for something a little more dramatic.

I guess I had expected that by doing everything "right", I would see immediate results - just like everyone said I would.  Now I don't know if another person would see dramatic results and it is just my body being stubborn or what, but I would certainly enjoy seeing the numbers on the scale going down at a much quicker rate.

299 and loving it!

So I caved!  Last night I grabbed some creamy chocolate marshmallow with crunchy things inside of it ice cream.  Then because I was SO good, I had more, and more.  Thankfully I was a rather smallish container of ice cream because I don't think I would have stopped myself.  Either way, I ate the whole container and immediately felt ill.  I felt wretched the entire night and even this morning can feel the effects.  My sleep was horrible and full of strange dreams and even now the idea of any sort of food or drink is repugnant.

On the bright side, and yes, there is a bright side, I weighed myself this morning and I have officially dropped out of the 300s!  I am 299!  I would be doing a little happy dance right now if I didn't think my stomach would revolt!

Not sure what cause the scale to move, maybe it was just the water weight due to my period.  Either way, I am happy it is gone and very, very happy to learn from my binge.  It is JUST NOT WORTH IT!

Giving Up

This is usually the point at which I give up.

This morning I weighed myself and the damn scale didn't move!  Honestly I don't know how that could happen.  I have been drinking my water, exercising - which I never used to do, and eating really really well.  I have been mindful of my portion size, not indulging in mindless snacking like I would before.  Increased my veggies and decreased my carbs.  I have been listening to the tracks at least 4x a week.  I really feel like I have been doing everything right!

My jeans feel tight in the thighs and even the calves which I don't understand either!  I know I have been doing mostly the treadmill and adding in upper body weights, but I didn't think that my legs would increase in size - dear Lord!  They really don't need to be any bigger!

And to make matters worse, even though my treadmill work outs are going really well and I am able to go longer and have added lots of hills, I had a difficult time making it up three flights of stairs yesterday!  Stairs have never been my friend, but yesterday I sounded like a winded horse after I made it to the top!  I felt worse than I did before I started working out.  AND on a daily basis instead of feeling more energized by this new cleaner eating plan, exercise and water drinking, I am feeling MORE worn out, tired and exhausted!

So my temptation is to fling up my arms in defeat and find a container of the creamiest, chocolate-iest ice cream and just have at it.

I feel so defeated!  All this hard work - and it has been hard work!  Fitting in 3-4 trips to the gym a week, planning out my meals, keeping a food diary, finding alternatives to my food vices, forcing myself to down copious quantities of water.  It is impossible to imagine that with all the weight I have to lose that I would have hit a plateau already.

The real sucky part of it is, no one has noticed any difference yet.  I know that the actual amount of weight I have lost is just a drop in the bucket, but it would be far easier to stay motivated if my progress was noticeable.

OK so my whining is over for now.  Now I have to give myself a swift kick in the butt and get on with it.  What are the possible reasons for stalling?

• time of the month (TMI sorry :) )
• stress
• straight midnights make it harder on the body to lose weight
• did I cut my calories too much?
• I know my sleep patterns are not optimal for weight loss

 

If I can continue on with my plans for another month and a half regardless of results, than I will be off work for the summer and my body will get back into a natural rhythm.  Hopefully then, all this hard work will begin to show results!

Eating Out and Emotional Eating Success!

Along the same lines as my previous post, my husband and I go out to restaurants to celebrate things - whether it be a raise, promotion, birthday, anniversary, or just a date night.  Normally I love this, any chance to avoid cooking and I am all over it!  Not to mention the fun of trying out new foods, spice combinations and flavours.  We also really just enjoy the time to ourselves, when we don't have to worry about the kids and can focus on each other - something that we don't get to do very much with 5 busy and talkative kids at home.

Well last night my husband surprised me with an invitation out to dinner to celebrate a very important certification test he passed.  I have to admit I wasn't terribly gracious when I responded.  All I could think of was but I hadn't planned on this!  I have been trying very hard to be careful with my calories and my exercise.  Going out to dinner was going to throw all of that out the window!  It would mean my day's calorie counts would be blown and I wouldn't be able to go to the gym and work out - which amazingly enough I am starting to enjoy!

But keeping all my healthy eating info in mind and embracing the spontaneity of the occasion I quickly had a change of heart.  I grabbed a large drink bottle and drank down a pint of water to fill me up a bit so I wouldn't overindulge.  Then just as we were about to go out the door, I received some very upsetting news.  News that had me livid, so upset I wanted to physically destroy things.  Not a common feeling by any means but definitely enough to have me reeling and reaching out for food.  But get this.....I didn't!  I didn't self soothe with food, I didn't comfort eat and I didn't over indulge!

We went to the restaurant, I made excellent food choices - and not just for the sake of my "diet" but because I actually wanted a Greek Salad with Chicken hold the dressing and the croutons.  Hubby and I shared a dessert as part of the celebration but really, I could have done without it.  We talked.  And talked and talked.  It was great!  We discussed the upsetting news and what we were going to do about it.  We even went for a walk after dinner!

I feel so many things as I write this.  Normally I would have felt angry, bitter, guilty for overindulging, disgusted with myself for blowing my "diet" again.  Instead, I feel strong, powerful, in control and so, so proud of myself!

I can certainly get used to this feeling!

Food + Family = Love?

I am not sure about you, but as a child and even now with my extended family, food is the centrepiece of all our gatherings.  We don't come together for game night, or head out to watch a football game.  We get together for dinners, brunches, dessert, celebration luncheons etc.  The same has happened to my immediate family.  When my husband and I actually find time to have a date night, we go out for supper.  If I have a mommy and son or daughter date day, it almost always involves a restaurant.

Like this past weekend, I had a date with my 13 year old to see Hunger Games.  We started out by having lunch, then went to the movie where we got pop and popcorn.

A couple of weekends ago it was my husband's 50th birthday.  I planned a nice evening out at a "fancy" restaurant - the portions were huge - but FABULOUS!  We ate every bite.  The next morning we were invited out to a special birthday brunch - again, lots of food!  Add to that the requisite family birthday supper -  roast beef, roasted vegetables, potatoes, wine, cake, ice cream etc.  I spent the entire weekend eating!

Another example - in Ontario we have such a thing as Family Day.  It is the third Monday in February.  I woke up to this surprise breakfast buffet my daughters made for us.  Keep in mind, there was also supposed to be waffles and crepes, but they didn't turn out.  Look at the amount of food for 7 of us to eat!

My daughters have begun the habit of food for every celebration - surprise birthday breakfasts, "picnics" in front of the TV for New Years, hockey finals, favourite movies etc.

For us, food and togetherness does equal love, so how do I change that perception?  Is it something that has to stop all together or is it something that needs to be tweaked to better meet the health requirements of our family?  How do I change the emphasis on food as the focal point?  Any suggestions?

I assume that the MP3 track called "FOOD" might address some of this issue as I understand it is about dealing with your relationship with food.  So I guess I know which track I will be listening to next!

10lbs lost and finally ready for the Operation Track!

Well the first 10lbs are gone!  Here's hoping they stay gone for good!

It has been a busy, chaotic and fun week.  Lots of activities with the kids as they were off for March Break.  Didn't always stick to my eating plan but did well more often than not.

Tomorrow is the day I have decided to listen to the Operation Track.  I have spent that last weeks listening to the prep tracks, getting used to the whole idea of hypnosis and getting comfortable with the concepts.  I have taken a good hard look at myself, my issues, my hurdles and made a firm commitment to dealing with it all.  And not just a commitment either, but have taken steps to work on my triggers, my emotions and my relationships.  It is all very empowering which is why I feel ready to take this next step!

I have a nice comfy spot all picked out, plans to have house all to myself, had the week off work so I am well rested and have really been working hard on upping my water intake each day - I am borderline dehydrated on a regular basis.

Looking forward to doing the session, if it is as beneficial as the preceding tracks have been then I will be well on my way to a healthier me!

Can Inspiration beat out fear?

Can I tell you a secret?  I feel silly even typing this out.  Every time I picture myself doing it, I imagine people pointing and laughing...I want to participate in the Niagara Falls Marathon this coming October by running the 5k Event.

Last year I stood at the finish line waiting for my then 11 year old daughter to cross with her schoolmates.  They had participated in the Schools Marathon Challenge that had them running at school during September and October, then they joined the marathon for the last couple of kilometres bringing their total combined running distance to 40km.

While waiting for the kids, I was able to watch as competitors in the 5k/10k events cross the finish line.  Lots of them were what you would expect from runners - lean, wiry, excellent shape.  But some of them we senior citizens, a man recovering from heart surgery, breast cancer survivors, obese people, families, fathers and their young children.  Sometimes as a person crossed, the announcer would give out tidbits of information - for example the man recovering from heart surgery, he had the surgery 6 months prior and had decided to make radical changes to his life.

I was so proud of these people.  Truth be told, I paid very little attention to the regular runners, I waited very impatiently for all the rest, the unexpected runners, the ones with stories.  I repeatedly teared up as they finished their races, so impressed and touched by what I imagined their journeys had entailed to get to that point.  Some were taking pictures of themselves as they passed  under the banner - their pride shining out for the world to see.  Others had whole cheering sections going wild for them.  For the ones that ran with friends, there were laughs, hugs and some tears of joy and accomplishment.

Looking around at the rest of the cheering crowds, I didn't see derision or mocking on their faces.  They seemed to be feeling the same things, cheering for every single person that finished their events.  Why would it be any different if I were to participate?

I try to imagine my entire family there at the finish line, cheering wildly and waving signs or posters as I came down the road - but sadly I can't.  My parents wouldn't make it because it would be too difficult for my father and he can't stand loud crowds.  My older sister would make excuses that she had other commitments.  My little sister would probably come, but she would be busy paying attention to other things.

My husband and kids would be there, but unless I made the signs and posters with the little ones, it wouldn't happen.  And I would get to hear about how stressful it is to have all the kids in a giant crazy crowd like that and how hard it was on him waiting and waiting for the event to be finished.

I could put out a general invite to some friends but I would be shattered if none of them came.

I'm half tempted to just do it but not tell anyone, just so I don't have to be disappointed with their lack of encouragement.  It would be easier to just do the run without any expectations than to be horribly disappointed at the end.

Is this too big of a goal?  Can goals be too big?  If I start really working toward this, I have 8 months to train and prepare.  Technically it is a 5k Run/Walk, so even if I am not able to run the whole thing, but rather do a combination, it would still be a significant accomplishment.

Gosh, I have a whole lot of positive self talking to do!

Need a Boost

This week has really been a killer for me.  With everyone still sick, my days at home are extra long, my stress level is high, there is a lot going on that affects me emotionally, I am not getting the sleep I need to function fully at my midnight job and I find I am reaching for food as an instant pick me up.  And of course it is the quick, easy, high calorie, high sugar content things that I want to reach for to give me that instant boost.

As part of my overall plan to get healthy, I have begun to limit myself to one coffee a day.  Relying on coffee or in my case mocha (coffee and hot chocolate mix) to get me through the day/night was very detrimental.  It is high calories, eases my thirst which keeps me from drinking nutritive/beneficial alternatives and just leaves me needing another one in an hour or so.  The roller coaster of the sugar and caffeine highs leaves my body constantly craving more.

Yesterday morning, after leaving work, I went home with the best of intentions, I was going to have just a little snack before sleeping to keep my blood sugar even, but once I started it was like I couldn't stop.  My mind, my body, my entire being was crying out for sleep but I just NEEDED to have more.  Since this was technically my "supper" for the day, I had a limited number of calories I could use - about 1000 - which I blew through pretty quickly with some Eggo Cinnamon Waffles.  If I had just eaten a regular portion and then some protein I would have been fine.  If I had just chosen something completely different - something healthier I would at least have had the satisfaction that is was good for me.  If I had just walked away and gone to bed after the first portion I would have been fine. But I didn't, I went back for more, and then more.

Later, when the guilt wouldn't let me sleep(starting the cycle all over again), I tried working through the Ws in my head.

• Why did I do it?
• What did I think it was going to accomplish?
• Which need was I really fulfilling?
• When did I stop eating to assuage my hunger/energy and begin to eat for comfort?
• Why didn't I stop myself?
• When was I going to get control over this?

I never did get answers to all of the questions, but I haven't stopped trying.  In order to bust out of this pattern, I need to come to grips with why I do it.  This morning after work, my plan is a small bowl of cereal, some yoghurt and fruit.  The I am going to settle in and start listening to the food and inner change tracks.  I haven't gotten to them yet - avoidance is another issue I deal with! 

 I am hesitant to deal with the bigger issues that hide behind the weight, to take it all out of hiding, brush it off and take a good hard look at it all.  When I am honest with myself, that is why the use of the hypnosis tracks has stalled.  

Pre-Diabetes and the RDI

While I do not yet have "frank" diabetes, I am what is classified as Pre-Diabetic.


Pre-Diabetes from diabeteswellbeing.com- "The condition occurs when a person's blood glucose readings are elevated above normal, but lower than is considered a diagnosis of diabetes. This condition almost always exists in people prior to developing type 2 diabetes."

This quote from the endocrinologist.com quite matter of factly explains what my RDI portions should be.  I was having trouble figuring it out. 
"Overall, a nutrition plan for a person with diabetes includes 10 to 20 percent of calories from protein, no more than 30 percent of calories from fats (with no more than 10 percent from saturated fats), and the remaining 50 to 60 percent from carbohydrates. Carbohydrate foods that contain dietary fiber are encouraged, . Sodium intake of no more than 3000 mg per day is suggested."

What is the proper diet for Pre-Diabetes? from diabeteswellbeing.com
"The proper diet for pre diabetes really isn't that much different than if you have diabetes. Certainly, the stakes may be a bit higher with diabetes, and glucose control may be a bit more important. Nonetheless, you need to work on the following (to begin with):

• Portion Control - Stop eating so much!
• Avoid refined or processed carbohydrates (e.g., white sugar, white flower, high fructose corn syrup, etc.).
• Eat well balanced meals (less carbohydrates, more vegetables, fruit and lean protein)."

My RDI pie chart

  protein - 9%

fats - 20%

 carbs - 71%

Keeping all this in mind, I have been monitoring and tracking my food for the last couple of days, with regard to my RDI - my pie chart is a little heavy on the carbs and pretty light on the protein, therefore I will have to really work on that.  Of course, my comfort foods, my craving foods are all carb based.  REALLY gotta work on those cravings!

Magic Pill?

I am very proud of my fellow Canadian Dr. Mike Evans from University of Toronto and St. Michael's Hospital for the amazing  work he did on this video.  It is simply fantastic!

Everyone would like to find that Magic Pill or Magic Bullet that will make everything better with little or no effort.  Of course that would be AWESOME!  But it is totally unrealistic.

A couple of comments I have run across regarding the Christopher Adams Gastric Band Hypnosis Kit - lead me to believe that it was purchased with the idea that it was a Magic Pill.  I don't view it like that.  I read the promotional info, I read the same hype that everyone else did.  But I think that being a rational and logical person, I realized that simply listening to some MP3s was not going to make the fat melt off my body.  It was not going to suddenly turn me into a tight toned little hottie.  My metabolism was not going to suddenly accelerate and  burn off everything I eat regardless of what I ingested.

As I have said before, the home hypnosis set is just one tool in my toolkit.  My kit consists of

• healthy eating plan
• moderate exercise - increasing as I feel better and more able
• Gastric Bypass hypnosis system
• support system
• getting better sleep
• journal
• blogging
• making myself a priority

All of those things will work together to assist me to reach my goals.  And on the days when it all seems to be to much, I will remember.....

BMI and Goal Setting

Your BMI is 55.1 - severely obese

Your weight is substantially above the healthy range for your height, which means you have a higher than average risk of developing diseases associated with obesity.

Losing enough weight to bring your BMI to below 25 will benefit your health, and the way you look and feel.

You can lose weight by making sure the number of calories you eat each day is less than the number of calories you need to maintain your weight at its current level. This is best achieved by making changes to your eating habits so your diet is healthier, and starting to get some exercise which you can build up and maintain regularly.

It may sound crazy, but that was insanely hard to read.  I mean, it isn't a surprise to anyone that I am overweight.  Overweight and obese in my case are one and the same.  I can wear all the baggy clothes that I want to and it is never going to hide the fact that I am fat.  Uggggh, the dreaded F word.  I hate to say it, hear it or type it.  So reminiscent of my childhood "Fatty Fatty 2x4". "Tub of Lard", "Porker", "Pig", "Miss Piggy".  Is it any wonder I shudder when I hear the word?

I have never had a problem admitting to myself that my weight was an issue, but it certainly is hard to hear it from someone else, whether it be my husband (who is VERY careful to never say it), family, medical staff, clothing store clerks or even my 3 year old who yesterday told me I have a very, Very, VERY large bum!

With an eye toward staying in reality, I don't expect to ever get down to the ideal weight for my height which is 104-127lbs.  I mean, that is just a ridiculous number!  First of all it would require me to lose 200lbs, secondly, that is not a realistic weight for me.  I think that would be setting myself up for failure.  No one in my family is that thin, for a couple of generations back even.  We are bigger boned and at nearly 40, I don't even think I would look good at that weight.


My goal at this point is 175lbs which at a BMI of 31 is still considered obese, I would be much healthier, have much more energy and feel a whole lot better about myself.  It would mean a total weight loss goal of 136lbs (a whole person!).  Still, that feel like an insurmountable number.  Lets say I lost 3lbs week, which I don't think I would be able to do it would take me over 45 weeks!  A more reasonable number of 2lbs a week would take me 68 weeks which is well over a year!


I can hear Christopher Adams in my head already, it isn't a race, its a journey, its a process, don't put such pressure on yourself, it happened over time, it will take time to get it off, etc etc etc.  :)


I am more a reward based kind of girl, so I am going to break it up into more realistic chunks with non-edible rewards!  Things that will make me feel good about myself and be a treat.  The kind of thing a really busy mom of 5 just never manages to find the time for!

• manicure
• new hair style
• highlights
• massage
• pedicure

The chunks will be 25lbs.  Everytime I hit a milestone of 25lbs lost I will pick a treat and go do it.  I will probably purchase gift certificates on a mass purchase site like Groupon or Wagjag etc, to keep the prices down.  When I hit my big goal, I doing a whole spa day baby!  Gimme the works!  :)

Stress

Like many of the essential things in life: we need a certain amount of stress to survive, yet too much can kill us. Clifford Kuhn, M.D. The Laugh Doctor


We may need stress in our lives to alert our body and mind to certain aspects - hunger, thirst, flight or fight modes; but nobody needs the amount of stress 5 sick children and a sick husband can give a person!


Some sort of plague has settled in at our house.  I feel like there should be a gigantic X across our front door warning any and all visitors to stay away.

My oldest has been sick for over a month, he just can't shake it.  He was at the hospital this evening getting chest and sinus xrays and 3 yes 3! new prescriptions!  The youngest has been sick on and off for about 3 weeks, he is on antibiotics and the nebulizer to kick the rattle in his little chest.  The girls have just this past weekend fallen prey to these nasty, nasty germs.  There have been fevers, coughing, whining, crying, puking, sniffling, sneezing, more crying, lots more whining.  Add to that, someone needing  medication every couple of hours throughout the night and I am sure you get the picture.

We have been routinely disinfecting railings, doors, doorknobs, high frequency touch points, toilets, faucets etc with the hopes we would finally beat this thing but to no avail.  Whatever this bug is, it is a tough one.  When I called into the school today to advise them of the absences, I was told there were over 100 students out sick!  The Doctor's offices are full to overflowing, the emergency rooms have waits of over 10 hours!  The "Urgent Care" that my son went to tonight which usually boasts of getting patients through in under an hour - took 4 hours.


Somehow I have remained relatively unscathed.  A few sniffles, an occasional sore throat and a short temper have been the worst for me.  I shudder to think what will happen if I finally succumb to this thing.


So now that you have a mental image of what my days have been like, is it any wonder I went a little crazy on the Easter candy I bought?  I have been doing so well!  Snacking on oranges instead of treats, drinking water when I have a craving instead of caving.  Stopping and thinking through why I want to eat, instead of just grabbing the nearest sugary treat.  But today, after another dose of steroids in the nebulizer for the toddler which results in him bouncing off the walls, being defiant and mouthy - I raided the secret Easter stash and gobbled up some caramel eggs - OK not some, 5 caramel eggs.  Enough to make me feel sick, ashamed and embarrassed!  But that is not all, I then went on to have a much larger than normal supper, a couple large glasses of juice (which I had been replacing with water), sat in front of the computer and then went to bed.

It is as if, in one day, I have completely undone all my hard work of the last month!  I am racked with guilt and feel so stupid.  


Normally, at this point I would say chuck it all and completely go off my diet, weight loss plan, exercise plan, whatever you want to call it.  I would be so hard on myself, full of negative thoughts, criticisms, etc.

But this time is going to be different.  Did I screw up?  Yes of course!  Did the world end?  Of course not.  I stumbled, I will stumble again I am sure.  But I can't allow the stumble to be more important that the successes I have accomplished this month.  I can't allow one mistake to overshadow all the good I have done!


So as of right now, I am back on the proverbial wagon.  Already had my oranges as a snack, about to get my trusty water container filled up, and will be heading out for a walk on my work break!

Criticism

My husband says I look for criticism where none is intended.  That I search for a hidden negative in the things that are said to me.  This would be some of the "stuff" that Christopher Adams says I would need to work on.  In his response to me via our Facebook Support Group he says

"...... it all highlights areas of internal challenges for you (if you didnt have them then whatever anyone around you said or did wouldnt bother you in the slightest). In fact it can often be a great barometer of your internal progress is how you react internally to them. It important to distinguish between what's your 'stuff' and what's their 'stuff'...."

He wrote that in response to my post about not telling friends and family about this program.  And he is absolutely correct; this particular pile of "stuff" IS something I need to work on.  I need to stop looking to others to validate me, my ideas and myself worth.  It shouldn't matter so much what others think of me or don't think of me - but it does.  I love these posts I found on Pinterest.

I have undergone a metamorphosis this past year.  

Almost exactly 1 year ago today, emotionally I hit rock bottom, my marriage was shaky, I had to take a LOA from work, and my depression had hit an all time low.  I had come to the point where I could not take one more ounce of stress, one more complaint, one more criticism, one more of anything.  I had a meltdown in my kitchen that scared my husband so badly he took me to the hospital to be assessed.  It is still very hard to share; I have kept it a secret from almost everyone.  I felt a lot of shame about the whole ordeal and embarrassment at having been admitted to the psych ward for a couple of days until they could get my medication at its proper levels and I had a couple of sessions with a therapist and more sessions set up.  Was I suicidal?  No I wasn't, but they were concerned.

For most of my life I had been using food and spending as a way to self soothe all my emotions.  Well the spending had caused major debt trouble for my household and my marriage to almost end and as such the eating issues were at an all time high.  In my post-admission therapy sessions we talked a lot about self worth, dignity, inner strength and pride of self.  I have spent this year working on those areas, I have my spending addiction under control, have become adept at standing up for myself and no longer allowing people to use me as a doormat.  I have begun to understand that allowing people to make me feel bad about myself and then resenting them for that is useless. 

 I have kept close to me these two quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt -

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

The choices I had made, the inferiority I felt, the resentfulness I had allowed to fester over each little hurt (whether intentional or not) had gotten me to that point.  I was never going to allow myself to be that person again.  

Last year was the year to change the inner me - to work on battling the self defeating demons that kept me from a successful marriage, success at work and feeling good about myself.  

This is the year I work to change the outer me.  Losing weight and getting healthy.  I still have some work to do on the inner dialogue I have running in my head and that is what I hope the hypnosis kit will help me with.  But with my new found strength and pride in self, I feel more ready and confident than I ever have before that this time; I can be successful in getting healthy!

Criticism is still hard to hear when I know it is coming, and still far too easy to think I hear in the words of others.  But I am getting better and better at coping with both forms.  I will no longer allow other people's "stuff" to become my "stuff".  I have enough "stuff" of my own to deal with!

Improving the Entire Package

From the Christopher Adams Training website


"Food isn't just a hunger thing, it's also an emotional thing. Food comforts and fills a void that is ongoing. The surgery might stop the food going in but cannot address the real reasons for over-eating, binge eating and excess. That's what makes us very, very different and hugely successful. Our program goes deep into the issues that cause your problems in the first place. It answers questions like why does this really happen? When did it begin? How can I stop it happening again. These are core, deep issues that are rarely if ever covered by conventional treatments. We go to the core. This helps you to lose weight and keep off your weight."

According to the website using this program should prepare me for life long changes.  Changes that occur not just in my body, but in my mind, my emotions and my heart.  

Emotionally, instead of focusing on not eating, it should help me focus in on WHY I want to eat and address those issues.

Psychologically, I hope it will help me re-direct those feelings into positive actions - better food choices, exercise, relaxation, ways to deal with stress.

For my heart, <fingers crossed> the program will help me to love myself, be gentle with myself and to forgive myself.

Those three aspects I think are the most important part of the entire thing.  Would convincing my body that my stomach was significantly smaller be great??  DUH!  Of course it would.  But that wouldn't stop me from treating every emotion from elation, to stress, from heartache to boredom with food.  It wouldn't allow me to forgive myself and not beat myself up if I happen to slip up.

That physical side of it is awesome and I sincerely hope it works.  But at the end of this journey, I really am looking forward to the entire package being improved, not just the part I can see in the mirror.

Transparency.....or lack of it

Right now on the Facebook support page for those of us who have purchased the program, I started a poll. The results are surprising I think for everyone.

The question I asked was "Do your friends and family know you are doing this program?"

Now we can't attach too much importance on the results as only 7 of 119 members have responded, but so far, 5 of the 7 have admitted they are keeping the program a secret.

I asked the respondents for more - explanations or information - why are they keeping it a secret. Only one person responded so far - ...afraid of another failure.

I can totally relate to that. I think just the idea of failure keeps us - or at least me from even trying. Even if I can envision myself finally losing the weight - the daydream always turns into a nightmare of me gaining it all back plus more. The idea of working that hard only to end up worse than I was is heartbreaking.

Of course - it is a very real fear, the women I used to work with would go through spurts of dieting and exercising. They would lose the weight, look awesome and then "poof!", it was all back on. It was a constant cycle. It didn't matter if they were using Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Dr. Bernstein etc., or if they were doing it on their own. Whether it was a solitary journey or with a diet buddy. Everyday at lunch we would get a full breakdown of their current attempt - calories, points, allowed food vs. not allowed food, amount of exercise, how many pounds they had lost, did they pee before weigh in, did they remember to wear weightless clothes? They were obsessed with it and made sure we all knew every little piece of information. Not a one of them kept the weight off.

How demoralizing that must be. I don't know if I am emotionally strong enough to deal with it.

Logically I know that they viewed the process as a diet - not a long term, life long change of habit and lifestyle. So logically I know that they set themselves up for failure before they even started. They started down a path they could not continue for the rest of their lives. Too restrictive, too narrow, everything focused on eating/not eating and not on living.

OK, back to the poll results. This is my explanation of why I don't tell my friends and family.
"there are a number of reasons, my family splinters into hyper manic cheerleaders, obsessive convulsive calorie counters, and Eeyore like naysayers. I really don't need the added stress of their expectations, criticisms and feeling like I am living under a microscope. I am being open and honest in my blog and that is enough for me right now"

What that basically amounts to is, I too am afraid of failure. I am afraid to stand up and announce to the world (or at least my inner circle) that yet again, I am on a "diet" bandwagon. I am afraid to subject myself to someone else monitoring (well meaning-ly of course) my every mouthful. I am afraid to see judgement and disappointment in their eyes. I am afraid to listen to them criticize the program and me have to defend it so early on.

Christopher Adams responded with 

"As an interesting aside - all of that "added stress of their expectations" etc, can be great stuff to work on. Because it all highlights areas of internal challenges for you (if you didnt have them then whatever anyone around you said or did wouldnt bother you in the slightest). In fact it can often be a great barometer of your internal progress is how you react internally to them. It important to distinguish between what's your 'stuff' and what's their 'stuff'. What they do thats all about them - how you act in response to them - that's all about you. And as far as holding a mirror up to us our families are normally excellent at knowing which buttons to push. There's a great saying - "if you think you are enlightened, go home and live with your parents again" :)"

Honestly, I guess I am just not enlightened enough or strong enough. Currently it is taking everything I have to handle my crazy hectic daily life and work on this program. I don't have anything extra left over to deal with figuring out my stuff vs their stuff. All I know is that it affects me negatively and I need to minimize that so I can focus on this important new endeavor. As I become stronger, emotionally more in tune with myself and enjoying some successes, then I will move onto how/why they affect me in the way they do.

Exercise

As a child, playing, running, jumping and having a great time was the highlight of my day.  When did that change?  When did exercise become a bad word?  Why did it become an effort instead of something that was fun and something to look forward to?


Looking back, as I hit puberty and the weight started to stay on, I re-developed my childhood asthma, that put a big crimp in my exercising and I began to fear it.  Exertion of any type would leave me winded, gasping for oxygen and possibly vomiting or passing out.  Add to that my great propensity for getting injured - many injuries to ankles, knees, ligaments and tendons that left me the walking wounded.  And I am beginning to see how exercise had lost its allure.


Fast forward to my college - between part time jobs, interning (for free!) and my classes, there was very little extra time in my schedule.  The small bits we could scrape together usually found us hanging out at a pub, having wings and beer and possibly doing homework on the side.




I made numerous attempts to get fit throughout the early years of marriage - but the kids came so fast and were such a hindrance to getting to a gym.  Just trying to get out the door with 3 kids under 3 and all the things that they require left me frazzled and exhausted.  Getting to the gym and trying to fit in a work out between the limited time two of them could be in childcare and the 3rd could be in a tots program left me rushing and unable to participate in the group programs such as aerobics, and there by limiting my sense of accountability to anyone there.  By the time I dragged 3 tired and cranky kids to the van, I was so frustrated, on the verge of tears and would binge at the nearest drive through!

As subsequent children came and the weight kept on coming, activities such as walking, biking and going to the park just became more and more difficult.


Fast forward another 10 years and I am happy to say we again have a family membership at the YMCA which is just a short drive away.  We have it scheduled in stone that we go as a family 3x a week.  Now I still experience the frustration of getting everyone where they need to go, and working within their schedules, but we are working on it.  Of course if anyone is sick and can't go I am still the one that ends up staying home with them, but that is a discussion I need to have with my dh and not just expect him to realize I would like to go that day.  On the days I do get there, I get on the treadmill and do my 30 mins on cardio hills.  I have my earphones in and zone out to an audiobook.  If I don't listen to a book, I spend the whole time watching the clock and then suddenly I can't complete the 30 mins.  Then I do some cool down laps on the track and do another 15 mins on the bike.  By then, it is time to pick up the toddler.  Lately, with all the colds and flus going around, I have only been making it about 1x a week.  While it is better than nothing, I really would like to improve that.


I also have invested in Wii Zumba.  It is fun and really gets me moving....when I actually do it.  I would love to do Zumba with a real class, but until I get past my embarrassment at my less than stellar moves, the Wii version will have to suffice!


Today, I did my 20 mins of Zumba and then put on Just Dance 2 and did the Just Sweat Mode for 8 songs!  Now sitting here with my big drink of water, I am feeling pretty darn good about myself.  I have two sick kids at home, but where I normally would have used that as an excuse not to exercise, I DID IT!

As always, the quotes and pics I use have been found on Pinterest - I have a whole board set up with Weight Loss Inspirations!

Blogging, Tracking, Journaling and Accountability

To quote Christopher Adams..." Open blogs/ journals etc are a great idea - because they bring things out in the open. Being as open, honest and transparent as possible is the key when creating a change."

I might have an open blog and am beginning the process of being open, honest and transparent, but that is only in the anonymous world of the internet.  I haven't told my friends and family about this program.  At first it was because I didn't want to hear their skepticism, sarcasm and jokes.  Now it is because I fear their disappointment if I fail yet again.  I don't have the emotional strength to be accountable, transparent and under the microscope to my loved ones just yet.  As things progress and my success is visible and tangible, then I will give them the link to this blog.

When it comes to tracking, here is my plan.  As soon as I work up the courage I will take a picture of myself - you know the one I'm talking about - how the contestants on The Biggest Loser look - sports bra and shorts.  Yikes!  I just want to apologize in advance for subjecting you to that!  It is not a pretty sight.  There will be lumps and bumps, rolls and flab, stretch marks and scars.  But in keeping with my promise to be better to myself, let me put a better spin on all of it.  The lumps and bumps are my less than firm breasts - the ones that filled up and nourished all of my babies.  The rolls and flab, lots of accumulated baby weight that I just never got around to losing, residual reminders of birthday parties, family gatherings, banquets and picnics.  The stretchmarks are a no brainer - a constant (and pleasant) reminder of the strength of my body, the wonder of the miracle of life.  I love this post I found on Pinterest  

Okay, back to tracking, I will take my measurements and post them beside my headless picture - it has to be headless, I just can't post a pic on the internet of me like that!

I will update the picture and measurements once a month and my current weight 2x a month.

Another Pinterest bit of inspiration.