Improving the Entire Package

From the Christopher Adams Training website


"Food isn't just a hunger thing, it's also an emotional thing. Food comforts and fills a void that is ongoing. The surgery might stop the food going in but cannot address the real reasons for over-eating, binge eating and excess. That's what makes us very, very different and hugely successful. Our program goes deep into the issues that cause your problems in the first place. It answers questions like why does this really happen? When did it begin? How can I stop it happening again. These are core, deep issues that are rarely if ever covered by conventional treatments. We go to the core. This helps you to lose weight and keep off your weight."

According to the website using this program should prepare me for life long changes.  Changes that occur not just in my body, but in my mind, my emotions and my heart.  

Emotionally, instead of focusing on not eating, it should help me focus in on WHY I want to eat and address those issues.

Psychologically, I hope it will help me re-direct those feelings into positive actions - better food choices, exercise, relaxation, ways to deal with stress.

For my heart, <fingers crossed> the program will help me to love myself, be gentle with myself and to forgive myself.

Those three aspects I think are the most important part of the entire thing.  Would convincing my body that my stomach was significantly smaller be great??  DUH!  Of course it would.  But that wouldn't stop me from treating every emotion from elation, to stress, from heartache to boredom with food.  It wouldn't allow me to forgive myself and not beat myself up if I happen to slip up.

That physical side of it is awesome and I sincerely hope it works.  But at the end of this journey, I really am looking forward to the entire package being improved, not just the part I can see in the mirror.

Transparency.....or lack of it

Right now on the Facebook support page for those of us who have purchased the program, I started a poll. The results are surprising I think for everyone.

The question I asked was "Do your friends and family know you are doing this program?"

Now we can't attach too much importance on the results as only 7 of 119 members have responded, but so far, 5 of the 7 have admitted they are keeping the program a secret.

I asked the respondents for more - explanations or information - why are they keeping it a secret. Only one person responded so far - ...afraid of another failure.

I can totally relate to that. I think just the idea of failure keeps us - or at least me from even trying. Even if I can envision myself finally losing the weight - the daydream always turns into a nightmare of me gaining it all back plus more. The idea of working that hard only to end up worse than I was is heartbreaking.

Of course - it is a very real fear, the women I used to work with would go through spurts of dieting and exercising. They would lose the weight, look awesome and then "poof!", it was all back on. It was a constant cycle. It didn't matter if they were using Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Dr. Bernstein etc., or if they were doing it on their own. Whether it was a solitary journey or with a diet buddy. Everyday at lunch we would get a full breakdown of their current attempt - calories, points, allowed food vs. not allowed food, amount of exercise, how many pounds they had lost, did they pee before weigh in, did they remember to wear weightless clothes? They were obsessed with it and made sure we all knew every little piece of information. Not a one of them kept the weight off.

How demoralizing that must be. I don't know if I am emotionally strong enough to deal with it.

Logically I know that they viewed the process as a diet - not a long term, life long change of habit and lifestyle. So logically I know that they set themselves up for failure before they even started. They started down a path they could not continue for the rest of their lives. Too restrictive, too narrow, everything focused on eating/not eating and not on living.

OK, back to the poll results. This is my explanation of why I don't tell my friends and family.
"there are a number of reasons, my family splinters into hyper manic cheerleaders, obsessive convulsive calorie counters, and Eeyore like naysayers. I really don't need the added stress of their expectations, criticisms and feeling like I am living under a microscope. I am being open and honest in my blog and that is enough for me right now"

What that basically amounts to is, I too am afraid of failure. I am afraid to stand up and announce to the world (or at least my inner circle) that yet again, I am on a "diet" bandwagon. I am afraid to subject myself to someone else monitoring (well meaning-ly of course) my every mouthful. I am afraid to see judgement and disappointment in their eyes. I am afraid to listen to them criticize the program and me have to defend it so early on.

Christopher Adams responded with 

"As an interesting aside - all of that "added stress of their expectations" etc, can be great stuff to work on. Because it all highlights areas of internal challenges for you (if you didnt have them then whatever anyone around you said or did wouldnt bother you in the slightest). In fact it can often be a great barometer of your internal progress is how you react internally to them. It important to distinguish between what's your 'stuff' and what's their 'stuff'. What they do thats all about them - how you act in response to them - that's all about you. And as far as holding a mirror up to us our families are normally excellent at knowing which buttons to push. There's a great saying - "if you think you are enlightened, go home and live with your parents again" :)"

Honestly, I guess I am just not enlightened enough or strong enough. Currently it is taking everything I have to handle my crazy hectic daily life and work on this program. I don't have anything extra left over to deal with figuring out my stuff vs their stuff. All I know is that it affects me negatively and I need to minimize that so I can focus on this important new endeavor. As I become stronger, emotionally more in tune with myself and enjoying some successes, then I will move onto how/why they affect me in the way they do.

Blogging, Tracking, Journaling and Accountability

To quote Christopher Adams..." Open blogs/ journals etc are a great idea - because they bring things out in the open. Being as open, honest and transparent as possible is the key when creating a change."

I might have an open blog and am beginning the process of being open, honest and transparent, but that is only in the anonymous world of the internet.  I haven't told my friends and family about this program.  At first it was because I didn't want to hear their skepticism, sarcasm and jokes.  Now it is because I fear their disappointment if I fail yet again.  I don't have the emotional strength to be accountable, transparent and under the microscope to my loved ones just yet.  As things progress and my success is visible and tangible, then I will give them the link to this blog.

When it comes to tracking, here is my plan.  As soon as I work up the courage I will take a picture of myself - you know the one I'm talking about - how the contestants on The Biggest Loser look - sports bra and shorts.  Yikes!  I just want to apologize in advance for subjecting you to that!  It is not a pretty sight.  There will be lumps and bumps, rolls and flab, stretch marks and scars.  But in keeping with my promise to be better to myself, let me put a better spin on all of it.  The lumps and bumps are my less than firm breasts - the ones that filled up and nourished all of my babies.  The rolls and flab, lots of accumulated baby weight that I just never got around to losing, residual reminders of birthday parties, family gatherings, banquets and picnics.  The stretchmarks are a no brainer - a constant (and pleasant) reminder of the strength of my body, the wonder of the miracle of life.  I love this post I found on Pinterest  

Okay, back to tracking, I will take my measurements and post them beside my headless picture - it has to be headless, I just can't post a pic on the internet of me like that!

I will update the picture and measurements once a month and my current weight 2x a month.

Another Pinterest bit of inspiration.

And it begins....

OK, where to start?  Gosh, so much to say, so much to do, so much pressure to really succeed this time.  I guess, I am going to start with the biggest reasons I want to make these changes.  In no particular order except the first one which is the most important to me.

• The need to be healthy enough and energetic enough to play with my children.
• I want to look in the mirror without cringing
• I want to feel better
• I don't want my pre-diabetes to turn into full blown diabetes
• I want my husband to be proud of me
• I would really love a whole new wardrobe!  :)
• I want to improve my quality of life
• My knees are KILLING me
• The people I love are worried about my health
• Losing weight, getting healthy and feeling better about myself will help me get a handle on my recurring bouts of depression that require medication.
• Setting a better example for my children.
• To prove that all those times I told myself I couldn't do it - I was wrong.

Over the years, I have halfheartedly tried the usual fad diets, Weight Watchers, South Beach, Atkins...you know the usual route people take.  The biggest problem I had with them was I never believed I could spend the rest of my life adhering to such a restrictive lifestyle.  My life is not orderly, it is not well structured, it is not text book.  We fly by the seat of our pants a lot of time, rushing here, there and everywhere.  We enjoy being spontaneous, we live on a rather firm budget and the kids (beg to) do a whole lot of the cooking.  The midnight shift means my body clock is completely out of whack and I consume far too much caffeine to try and make it all work.

Food has always been my comfort, my anxiety killer, a solution to boredom, my companion while watching TV or driving long distances.  Chocolate and buttery popcorn are my favourite drugs of choice.

I have long known and understood that my relationship with food was dysfunctional, my body image was abysmal and my inner voice was downright abusive.  What I didn't know or understand was how to change it.  Just thinking about going to therapy to discuss the causes for it all drove me to the fridge or candy aisle.  My few attempts ended with me bingeing after hitting up the nearest drive thru.  It was easier just to quit - but it wasn't right, it wasn't smart and it wasn't healthy - mentally, physically or emotionally.

Admittedly, what first drew me to the Gastric Bypass Hypnosis program was the fact that it was only $69 through Groupon.  The second appealing thing was the idea that I would have results without work - I regret to say that was just wishful thinking.  There is always work to do for anything that is important.  And this IS important to me.  

If this program works out the way I believe it should - the preparatory tracks will  

• help me get my head on straight
• encourage me to believe in my ability to make this happen
• strengthen my resolve to exercise
• help me to relax so I can sleep better and feel more energetic

I have at this point only listened to the Introduction, Relaxation, Sleep and Exercise tracks.  I am going to spend at least a week, working on those and adding in the HypnoPlay track.

The relaxation and sleep tracks have been greatly appreciated.  I have been able to calm my mind, settle my thoughts and slip into a deep, refreshing, dreamless sleep.  This is a godsend and already is worth the money I spent.

The exercise track I listened to while walking on my break at work - not ideal but I figured I wouldn't fall asleep that way.  I need to dedicate time for myself each day to listen to the tracks.  I owe it to myself to do it.