Not fast enough - but it will have to do

I withstood the pressures of the Easter long weekend pretty well.  We had the usual family get together with lots of food, treats and desserts.  But, I was sensible and kept my portions small but varied - getting lots of tastes and flavours without over indulging.  I even did pretty good with the chocolate - I had an occasional mini chocolate pilfered from one of the kids baskets, but not the choco-fest I would have had in the past.

Kids are sick AGAIN!  So again, my trips to the gym are limited, but I have been increasing my walk during my lunch hour to compensate.

My Doctor's advice all these years was just to watch my portion size - if I did that the weight would just melt away.  Other's told me to simply add more water to my diet and I would notice "immediate results".  And of course everyone has said to just get moving - not necessarily exercise but just get moving more - walk more.

So I have done all those things PLUS listening to the tracks and while the weight is coming off VERY slowly, I had hoped for something a little more dramatic.

I guess I had expected that by doing everything "right", I would see immediate results - just like everyone said I would.  Now I don't know if another person would see dramatic results and it is just my body being stubborn or what, but I would certainly enjoy seeing the numbers on the scale going down at a much quicker rate.

Eating Out and Emotional Eating Success!

Along the same lines as my previous post, my husband and I go out to restaurants to celebrate things - whether it be a raise, promotion, birthday, anniversary, or just a date night.  Normally I love this, any chance to avoid cooking and I am all over it!  Not to mention the fun of trying out new foods, spice combinations and flavours.  We also really just enjoy the time to ourselves, when we don't have to worry about the kids and can focus on each other - something that we don't get to do very much with 5 busy and talkative kids at home.

Well last night my husband surprised me with an invitation out to dinner to celebrate a very important certification test he passed.  I have to admit I wasn't terribly gracious when I responded.  All I could think of was but I hadn't planned on this!  I have been trying very hard to be careful with my calories and my exercise.  Going out to dinner was going to throw all of that out the window!  It would mean my day's calorie counts would be blown and I wouldn't be able to go to the gym and work out - which amazingly enough I am starting to enjoy!

But keeping all my healthy eating info in mind and embracing the spontaneity of the occasion I quickly had a change of heart.  I grabbed a large drink bottle and drank down a pint of water to fill me up a bit so I wouldn't overindulge.  Then just as we were about to go out the door, I received some very upsetting news.  News that had me livid, so upset I wanted to physically destroy things.  Not a common feeling by any means but definitely enough to have me reeling and reaching out for food.  But get this.....I didn't!  I didn't self soothe with food, I didn't comfort eat and I didn't over indulge!

We went to the restaurant, I made excellent food choices - and not just for the sake of my "diet" but because I actually wanted a Greek Salad with Chicken hold the dressing and the croutons.  Hubby and I shared a dessert as part of the celebration but really, I could have done without it.  We talked.  And talked and talked.  It was great!  We discussed the upsetting news and what we were going to do about it.  We even went for a walk after dinner!

I feel so many things as I write this.  Normally I would have felt angry, bitter, guilty for overindulging, disgusted with myself for blowing my "diet" again.  Instead, I feel strong, powerful, in control and so, so proud of myself!

I can certainly get used to this feeling!

Food + Family = Love?

I am not sure about you, but as a child and even now with my extended family, food is the centrepiece of all our gatherings.  We don't come together for game night, or head out to watch a football game.  We get together for dinners, brunches, dessert, celebration luncheons etc.  The same has happened to my immediate family.  When my husband and I actually find time to have a date night, we go out for supper.  If I have a mommy and son or daughter date day, it almost always involves a restaurant.

Like this past weekend, I had a date with my 13 year old to see Hunger Games.  We started out by having lunch, then went to the movie where we got pop and popcorn.

A couple of weekends ago it was my husband's 50th birthday.  I planned a nice evening out at a "fancy" restaurant - the portions were huge - but FABULOUS!  We ate every bite.  The next morning we were invited out to a special birthday brunch - again, lots of food!  Add to that the requisite family birthday supper -  roast beef, roasted vegetables, potatoes, wine, cake, ice cream etc.  I spent the entire weekend eating!

Another example - in Ontario we have such a thing as Family Day.  It is the third Monday in February.  I woke up to this surprise breakfast buffet my daughters made for us.  Keep in mind, there was also supposed to be waffles and crepes, but they didn't turn out.  Look at the amount of food for 7 of us to eat!

My daughters have begun the habit of food for every celebration - surprise birthday breakfasts, "picnics" in front of the TV for New Years, hockey finals, favourite movies etc.

For us, food and togetherness does equal love, so how do I change that perception?  Is it something that has to stop all together or is it something that needs to be tweaked to better meet the health requirements of our family?  How do I change the emphasis on food as the focal point?  Any suggestions?

I assume that the MP3 track called "FOOD" might address some of this issue as I understand it is about dealing with your relationship with food.  So I guess I know which track I will be listening to next!

Can Inspiration beat out fear?

Can I tell you a secret?  I feel silly even typing this out.  Every time I picture myself doing it, I imagine people pointing and laughing...I want to participate in the Niagara Falls Marathon this coming October by running the 5k Event.

Last year I stood at the finish line waiting for my then 11 year old daughter to cross with her schoolmates.  They had participated in the Schools Marathon Challenge that had them running at school during September and October, then they joined the marathon for the last couple of kilometres bringing their total combined running distance to 40km.

While waiting for the kids, I was able to watch as competitors in the 5k/10k events cross the finish line.  Lots of them were what you would expect from runners - lean, wiry, excellent shape.  But some of them we senior citizens, a man recovering from heart surgery, breast cancer survivors, obese people, families, fathers and their young children.  Sometimes as a person crossed, the announcer would give out tidbits of information - for example the man recovering from heart surgery, he had the surgery 6 months prior and had decided to make radical changes to his life.

I was so proud of these people.  Truth be told, I paid very little attention to the regular runners, I waited very impatiently for all the rest, the unexpected runners, the ones with stories.  I repeatedly teared up as they finished their races, so impressed and touched by what I imagined their journeys had entailed to get to that point.  Some were taking pictures of themselves as they passed  under the banner - their pride shining out for the world to see.  Others had whole cheering sections going wild for them.  For the ones that ran with friends, there were laughs, hugs and some tears of joy and accomplishment.

Looking around at the rest of the cheering crowds, I didn't see derision or mocking on their faces.  They seemed to be feeling the same things, cheering for every single person that finished their events.  Why would it be any different if I were to participate?

I try to imagine my entire family there at the finish line, cheering wildly and waving signs or posters as I came down the road - but sadly I can't.  My parents wouldn't make it because it would be too difficult for my father and he can't stand loud crowds.  My older sister would make excuses that she had other commitments.  My little sister would probably come, but she would be busy paying attention to other things.

My husband and kids would be there, but unless I made the signs and posters with the little ones, it wouldn't happen.  And I would get to hear about how stressful it is to have all the kids in a giant crazy crowd like that and how hard it was on him waiting and waiting for the event to be finished.

I could put out a general invite to some friends but I would be shattered if none of them came.

I'm half tempted to just do it but not tell anyone, just so I don't have to be disappointed with their lack of encouragement.  It would be easier to just do the run without any expectations than to be horribly disappointed at the end.

Is this too big of a goal?  Can goals be too big?  If I start really working toward this, I have 8 months to train and prepare.  Technically it is a 5k Run/Walk, so even if I am not able to run the whole thing, but rather do a combination, it would still be a significant accomplishment.

Gosh, I have a whole lot of positive self talking to do!

BMI and Goal Setting

Your BMI is 55.1 - severely obese

Your weight is substantially above the healthy range for your height, which means you have a higher than average risk of developing diseases associated with obesity.

Losing enough weight to bring your BMI to below 25 will benefit your health, and the way you look and feel.

You can lose weight by making sure the number of calories you eat each day is less than the number of calories you need to maintain your weight at its current level. This is best achieved by making changes to your eating habits so your diet is healthier, and starting to get some exercise which you can build up and maintain regularly.

It may sound crazy, but that was insanely hard to read.  I mean, it isn't a surprise to anyone that I am overweight.  Overweight and obese in my case are one and the same.  I can wear all the baggy clothes that I want to and it is never going to hide the fact that I am fat.  Uggggh, the dreaded F word.  I hate to say it, hear it or type it.  So reminiscent of my childhood "Fatty Fatty 2x4". "Tub of Lard", "Porker", "Pig", "Miss Piggy".  Is it any wonder I shudder when I hear the word?

I have never had a problem admitting to myself that my weight was an issue, but it certainly is hard to hear it from someone else, whether it be my husband (who is VERY careful to never say it), family, medical staff, clothing store clerks or even my 3 year old who yesterday told me I have a very, Very, VERY large bum!

With an eye toward staying in reality, I don't expect to ever get down to the ideal weight for my height which is 104-127lbs.  I mean, that is just a ridiculous number!  First of all it would require me to lose 200lbs, secondly, that is not a realistic weight for me.  I think that would be setting myself up for failure.  No one in my family is that thin, for a couple of generations back even.  We are bigger boned and at nearly 40, I don't even think I would look good at that weight.


My goal at this point is 175lbs which at a BMI of 31 is still considered obese, I would be much healthier, have much more energy and feel a whole lot better about myself.  It would mean a total weight loss goal of 136lbs (a whole person!).  Still, that feel like an insurmountable number.  Lets say I lost 3lbs week, which I don't think I would be able to do it would take me over 45 weeks!  A more reasonable number of 2lbs a week would take me 68 weeks which is well over a year!


I can hear Christopher Adams in my head already, it isn't a race, its a journey, its a process, don't put such pressure on yourself, it happened over time, it will take time to get it off, etc etc etc.  :)


I am more a reward based kind of girl, so I am going to break it up into more realistic chunks with non-edible rewards!  Things that will make me feel good about myself and be a treat.  The kind of thing a really busy mom of 5 just never manages to find the time for!

• manicure
• new hair style
• highlights
• massage
• pedicure

The chunks will be 25lbs.  Everytime I hit a milestone of 25lbs lost I will pick a treat and go do it.  I will probably purchase gift certificates on a mass purchase site like Groupon or Wagjag etc, to keep the prices down.  When I hit my big goal, I doing a whole spa day baby!  Gimme the works!  :)

Stress

Like many of the essential things in life: we need a certain amount of stress to survive, yet too much can kill us. Clifford Kuhn, M.D. The Laugh Doctor


We may need stress in our lives to alert our body and mind to certain aspects - hunger, thirst, flight or fight modes; but nobody needs the amount of stress 5 sick children and a sick husband can give a person!


Some sort of plague has settled in at our house.  I feel like there should be a gigantic X across our front door warning any and all visitors to stay away.

My oldest has been sick for over a month, he just can't shake it.  He was at the hospital this evening getting chest and sinus xrays and 3 yes 3! new prescriptions!  The youngest has been sick on and off for about 3 weeks, he is on antibiotics and the nebulizer to kick the rattle in his little chest.  The girls have just this past weekend fallen prey to these nasty, nasty germs.  There have been fevers, coughing, whining, crying, puking, sniffling, sneezing, more crying, lots more whining.  Add to that, someone needing  medication every couple of hours throughout the night and I am sure you get the picture.

We have been routinely disinfecting railings, doors, doorknobs, high frequency touch points, toilets, faucets etc with the hopes we would finally beat this thing but to no avail.  Whatever this bug is, it is a tough one.  When I called into the school today to advise them of the absences, I was told there were over 100 students out sick!  The Doctor's offices are full to overflowing, the emergency rooms have waits of over 10 hours!  The "Urgent Care" that my son went to tonight which usually boasts of getting patients through in under an hour - took 4 hours.


Somehow I have remained relatively unscathed.  A few sniffles, an occasional sore throat and a short temper have been the worst for me.  I shudder to think what will happen if I finally succumb to this thing.


So now that you have a mental image of what my days have been like, is it any wonder I went a little crazy on the Easter candy I bought?  I have been doing so well!  Snacking on oranges instead of treats, drinking water when I have a craving instead of caving.  Stopping and thinking through why I want to eat, instead of just grabbing the nearest sugary treat.  But today, after another dose of steroids in the nebulizer for the toddler which results in him bouncing off the walls, being defiant and mouthy - I raided the secret Easter stash and gobbled up some caramel eggs - OK not some, 5 caramel eggs.  Enough to make me feel sick, ashamed and embarrassed!  But that is not all, I then went on to have a much larger than normal supper, a couple large glasses of juice (which I had been replacing with water), sat in front of the computer and then went to bed.

It is as if, in one day, I have completely undone all my hard work of the last month!  I am racked with guilt and feel so stupid.  


Normally, at this point I would say chuck it all and completely go off my diet, weight loss plan, exercise plan, whatever you want to call it.  I would be so hard on myself, full of negative thoughts, criticisms, etc.

But this time is going to be different.  Did I screw up?  Yes of course!  Did the world end?  Of course not.  I stumbled, I will stumble again I am sure.  But I can't allow the stumble to be more important that the successes I have accomplished this month.  I can't allow one mistake to overshadow all the good I have done!


So as of right now, I am back on the proverbial wagon.  Already had my oranges as a snack, about to get my trusty water container filled up, and will be heading out for a walk on my work break!

Transparency.....or lack of it

Right now on the Facebook support page for those of us who have purchased the program, I started a poll. The results are surprising I think for everyone.

The question I asked was "Do your friends and family know you are doing this program?"

Now we can't attach too much importance on the results as only 7 of 119 members have responded, but so far, 5 of the 7 have admitted they are keeping the program a secret.

I asked the respondents for more - explanations or information - why are they keeping it a secret. Only one person responded so far - ...afraid of another failure.

I can totally relate to that. I think just the idea of failure keeps us - or at least me from even trying. Even if I can envision myself finally losing the weight - the daydream always turns into a nightmare of me gaining it all back plus more. The idea of working that hard only to end up worse than I was is heartbreaking.

Of course - it is a very real fear, the women I used to work with would go through spurts of dieting and exercising. They would lose the weight, look awesome and then "poof!", it was all back on. It was a constant cycle. It didn't matter if they were using Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Dr. Bernstein etc., or if they were doing it on their own. Whether it was a solitary journey or with a diet buddy. Everyday at lunch we would get a full breakdown of their current attempt - calories, points, allowed food vs. not allowed food, amount of exercise, how many pounds they had lost, did they pee before weigh in, did they remember to wear weightless clothes? They were obsessed with it and made sure we all knew every little piece of information. Not a one of them kept the weight off.

How demoralizing that must be. I don't know if I am emotionally strong enough to deal with it.

Logically I know that they viewed the process as a diet - not a long term, life long change of habit and lifestyle. So logically I know that they set themselves up for failure before they even started. They started down a path they could not continue for the rest of their lives. Too restrictive, too narrow, everything focused on eating/not eating and not on living.

OK, back to the poll results. This is my explanation of why I don't tell my friends and family.
"there are a number of reasons, my family splinters into hyper manic cheerleaders, obsessive convulsive calorie counters, and Eeyore like naysayers. I really don't need the added stress of their expectations, criticisms and feeling like I am living under a microscope. I am being open and honest in my blog and that is enough for me right now"

What that basically amounts to is, I too am afraid of failure. I am afraid to stand up and announce to the world (or at least my inner circle) that yet again, I am on a "diet" bandwagon. I am afraid to subject myself to someone else monitoring (well meaning-ly of course) my every mouthful. I am afraid to see judgement and disappointment in their eyes. I am afraid to listen to them criticize the program and me have to defend it so early on.

Christopher Adams responded with 

"As an interesting aside - all of that "added stress of their expectations" etc, can be great stuff to work on. Because it all highlights areas of internal challenges for you (if you didnt have them then whatever anyone around you said or did wouldnt bother you in the slightest). In fact it can often be a great barometer of your internal progress is how you react internally to them. It important to distinguish between what's your 'stuff' and what's their 'stuff'. What they do thats all about them - how you act in response to them - that's all about you. And as far as holding a mirror up to us our families are normally excellent at knowing which buttons to push. There's a great saying - "if you think you are enlightened, go home and live with your parents again" :)"

Honestly, I guess I am just not enlightened enough or strong enough. Currently it is taking everything I have to handle my crazy hectic daily life and work on this program. I don't have anything extra left over to deal with figuring out my stuff vs their stuff. All I know is that it affects me negatively and I need to minimize that so I can focus on this important new endeavor. As I become stronger, emotionally more in tune with myself and enjoying some successes, then I will move onto how/why they affect me in the way they do.