299 and loving it!

So I caved!  Last night I grabbed some creamy chocolate marshmallow with crunchy things inside of it ice cream.  Then because I was SO good, I had more, and more.  Thankfully I was a rather smallish container of ice cream because I don't think I would have stopped myself.  Either way, I ate the whole container and immediately felt ill.  I felt wretched the entire night and even this morning can feel the effects.  My sleep was horrible and full of strange dreams and even now the idea of any sort of food or drink is repugnant.

On the bright side, and yes, there is a bright side, I weighed myself this morning and I have officially dropped out of the 300s!  I am 299!  I would be doing a little happy dance right now if I didn't think my stomach would revolt!

Not sure what cause the scale to move, maybe it was just the water weight due to my period.  Either way, I am happy it is gone and very, very happy to learn from my binge.  It is JUST NOT WORTH IT!

Eating Out and Emotional Eating Success!

Along the same lines as my previous post, my husband and I go out to restaurants to celebrate things - whether it be a raise, promotion, birthday, anniversary, or just a date night.  Normally I love this, any chance to avoid cooking and I am all over it!  Not to mention the fun of trying out new foods, spice combinations and flavours.  We also really just enjoy the time to ourselves, when we don't have to worry about the kids and can focus on each other - something that we don't get to do very much with 5 busy and talkative kids at home.

Well last night my husband surprised me with an invitation out to dinner to celebrate a very important certification test he passed.  I have to admit I wasn't terribly gracious when I responded.  All I could think of was but I hadn't planned on this!  I have been trying very hard to be careful with my calories and my exercise.  Going out to dinner was going to throw all of that out the window!  It would mean my day's calorie counts would be blown and I wouldn't be able to go to the gym and work out - which amazingly enough I am starting to enjoy!

But keeping all my healthy eating info in mind and embracing the spontaneity of the occasion I quickly had a change of heart.  I grabbed a large drink bottle and drank down a pint of water to fill me up a bit so I wouldn't overindulge.  Then just as we were about to go out the door, I received some very upsetting news.  News that had me livid, so upset I wanted to physically destroy things.  Not a common feeling by any means but definitely enough to have me reeling and reaching out for food.  But get this.....I didn't!  I didn't self soothe with food, I didn't comfort eat and I didn't over indulge!

We went to the restaurant, I made excellent food choices - and not just for the sake of my "diet" but because I actually wanted a Greek Salad with Chicken hold the dressing and the croutons.  Hubby and I shared a dessert as part of the celebration but really, I could have done without it.  We talked.  And talked and talked.  It was great!  We discussed the upsetting news and what we were going to do about it.  We even went for a walk after dinner!

I feel so many things as I write this.  Normally I would have felt angry, bitter, guilty for overindulging, disgusted with myself for blowing my "diet" again.  Instead, I feel strong, powerful, in control and so, so proud of myself!

I can certainly get used to this feeling!

Can Inspiration beat out fear?

Can I tell you a secret?  I feel silly even typing this out.  Every time I picture myself doing it, I imagine people pointing and laughing...I want to participate in the Niagara Falls Marathon this coming October by running the 5k Event.

Last year I stood at the finish line waiting for my then 11 year old daughter to cross with her schoolmates.  They had participated in the Schools Marathon Challenge that had them running at school during September and October, then they joined the marathon for the last couple of kilometres bringing their total combined running distance to 40km.

While waiting for the kids, I was able to watch as competitors in the 5k/10k events cross the finish line.  Lots of them were what you would expect from runners - lean, wiry, excellent shape.  But some of them we senior citizens, a man recovering from heart surgery, breast cancer survivors, obese people, families, fathers and their young children.  Sometimes as a person crossed, the announcer would give out tidbits of information - for example the man recovering from heart surgery, he had the surgery 6 months prior and had decided to make radical changes to his life.

I was so proud of these people.  Truth be told, I paid very little attention to the regular runners, I waited very impatiently for all the rest, the unexpected runners, the ones with stories.  I repeatedly teared up as they finished their races, so impressed and touched by what I imagined their journeys had entailed to get to that point.  Some were taking pictures of themselves as they passed  under the banner - their pride shining out for the world to see.  Others had whole cheering sections going wild for them.  For the ones that ran with friends, there were laughs, hugs and some tears of joy and accomplishment.

Looking around at the rest of the cheering crowds, I didn't see derision or mocking on their faces.  They seemed to be feeling the same things, cheering for every single person that finished their events.  Why would it be any different if I were to participate?

I try to imagine my entire family there at the finish line, cheering wildly and waving signs or posters as I came down the road - but sadly I can't.  My parents wouldn't make it because it would be too difficult for my father and he can't stand loud crowds.  My older sister would make excuses that she had other commitments.  My little sister would probably come, but she would be busy paying attention to other things.

My husband and kids would be there, but unless I made the signs and posters with the little ones, it wouldn't happen.  And I would get to hear about how stressful it is to have all the kids in a giant crazy crowd like that and how hard it was on him waiting and waiting for the event to be finished.

I could put out a general invite to some friends but I would be shattered if none of them came.

I'm half tempted to just do it but not tell anyone, just so I don't have to be disappointed with their lack of encouragement.  It would be easier to just do the run without any expectations than to be horribly disappointed at the end.

Is this too big of a goal?  Can goals be too big?  If I start really working toward this, I have 8 months to train and prepare.  Technically it is a 5k Run/Walk, so even if I am not able to run the whole thing, but rather do a combination, it would still be a significant accomplishment.

Gosh, I have a whole lot of positive self talking to do!

Need a Boost

This week has really been a killer for me.  With everyone still sick, my days at home are extra long, my stress level is high, there is a lot going on that affects me emotionally, I am not getting the sleep I need to function fully at my midnight job and I find I am reaching for food as an instant pick me up.  And of course it is the quick, easy, high calorie, high sugar content things that I want to reach for to give me that instant boost.

As part of my overall plan to get healthy, I have begun to limit myself to one coffee a day.  Relying on coffee or in my case mocha (coffee and hot chocolate mix) to get me through the day/night was very detrimental.  It is high calories, eases my thirst which keeps me from drinking nutritive/beneficial alternatives and just leaves me needing another one in an hour or so.  The roller coaster of the sugar and caffeine highs leaves my body constantly craving more.

Yesterday morning, after leaving work, I went home with the best of intentions, I was going to have just a little snack before sleeping to keep my blood sugar even, but once I started it was like I couldn't stop.  My mind, my body, my entire being was crying out for sleep but I just NEEDED to have more.  Since this was technically my "supper" for the day, I had a limited number of calories I could use - about 1000 - which I blew through pretty quickly with some Eggo Cinnamon Waffles.  If I had just eaten a regular portion and then some protein I would have been fine.  If I had just chosen something completely different - something healthier I would at least have had the satisfaction that is was good for me.  If I had just walked away and gone to bed after the first portion I would have been fine. But I didn't, I went back for more, and then more.

Later, when the guilt wouldn't let me sleep(starting the cycle all over again), I tried working through the Ws in my head.

• Why did I do it?
• What did I think it was going to accomplish?
• Which need was I really fulfilling?
• When did I stop eating to assuage my hunger/energy and begin to eat for comfort?
• Why didn't I stop myself?
• When was I going to get control over this?

I never did get answers to all of the questions, but I haven't stopped trying.  In order to bust out of this pattern, I need to come to grips with why I do it.  This morning after work, my plan is a small bowl of cereal, some yoghurt and fruit.  The I am going to settle in and start listening to the food and inner change tracks.  I haven't gotten to them yet - avoidance is another issue I deal with! 

 I am hesitant to deal with the bigger issues that hide behind the weight, to take it all out of hiding, brush it off and take a good hard look at it all.  When I am honest with myself, that is why the use of the hypnosis tracks has stalled.  

Pre-Diabetes and the RDI

While I do not yet have "frank" diabetes, I am what is classified as Pre-Diabetic.


Pre-Diabetes from diabeteswellbeing.com- "The condition occurs when a person's blood glucose readings are elevated above normal, but lower than is considered a diagnosis of diabetes. This condition almost always exists in people prior to developing type 2 diabetes."

This quote from the endocrinologist.com quite matter of factly explains what my RDI portions should be.  I was having trouble figuring it out. 
"Overall, a nutrition plan for a person with diabetes includes 10 to 20 percent of calories from protein, no more than 30 percent of calories from fats (with no more than 10 percent from saturated fats), and the remaining 50 to 60 percent from carbohydrates. Carbohydrate foods that contain dietary fiber are encouraged, . Sodium intake of no more than 3000 mg per day is suggested."

What is the proper diet for Pre-Diabetes? from diabeteswellbeing.com
"The proper diet for pre diabetes really isn't that much different than if you have diabetes. Certainly, the stakes may be a bit higher with diabetes, and glucose control may be a bit more important. Nonetheless, you need to work on the following (to begin with):

• Portion Control - Stop eating so much!
• Avoid refined or processed carbohydrates (e.g., white sugar, white flower, high fructose corn syrup, etc.).
• Eat well balanced meals (less carbohydrates, more vegetables, fruit and lean protein)."

My RDI pie chart

  protein - 9%

fats - 20%

 carbs - 71%

Keeping all this in mind, I have been monitoring and tracking my food for the last couple of days, with regard to my RDI - my pie chart is a little heavy on the carbs and pretty light on the protein, therefore I will have to really work on that.  Of course, my comfort foods, my craving foods are all carb based.  REALLY gotta work on those cravings!

BMI and Goal Setting

Your BMI is 55.1 - severely obese

Your weight is substantially above the healthy range for your height, which means you have a higher than average risk of developing diseases associated with obesity.

Losing enough weight to bring your BMI to below 25 will benefit your health, and the way you look and feel.

You can lose weight by making sure the number of calories you eat each day is less than the number of calories you need to maintain your weight at its current level. This is best achieved by making changes to your eating habits so your diet is healthier, and starting to get some exercise which you can build up and maintain regularly.

It may sound crazy, but that was insanely hard to read.  I mean, it isn't a surprise to anyone that I am overweight.  Overweight and obese in my case are one and the same.  I can wear all the baggy clothes that I want to and it is never going to hide the fact that I am fat.  Uggggh, the dreaded F word.  I hate to say it, hear it or type it.  So reminiscent of my childhood "Fatty Fatty 2x4". "Tub of Lard", "Porker", "Pig", "Miss Piggy".  Is it any wonder I shudder when I hear the word?

I have never had a problem admitting to myself that my weight was an issue, but it certainly is hard to hear it from someone else, whether it be my husband (who is VERY careful to never say it), family, medical staff, clothing store clerks or even my 3 year old who yesterday told me I have a very, Very, VERY large bum!

With an eye toward staying in reality, I don't expect to ever get down to the ideal weight for my height which is 104-127lbs.  I mean, that is just a ridiculous number!  First of all it would require me to lose 200lbs, secondly, that is not a realistic weight for me.  I think that would be setting myself up for failure.  No one in my family is that thin, for a couple of generations back even.  We are bigger boned and at nearly 40, I don't even think I would look good at that weight.


My goal at this point is 175lbs which at a BMI of 31 is still considered obese, I would be much healthier, have much more energy and feel a whole lot better about myself.  It would mean a total weight loss goal of 136lbs (a whole person!).  Still, that feel like an insurmountable number.  Lets say I lost 3lbs week, which I don't think I would be able to do it would take me over 45 weeks!  A more reasonable number of 2lbs a week would take me 68 weeks which is well over a year!


I can hear Christopher Adams in my head already, it isn't a race, its a journey, its a process, don't put such pressure on yourself, it happened over time, it will take time to get it off, etc etc etc.  :)


I am more a reward based kind of girl, so I am going to break it up into more realistic chunks with non-edible rewards!  Things that will make me feel good about myself and be a treat.  The kind of thing a really busy mom of 5 just never manages to find the time for!

• manicure
• new hair style
• highlights
• massage
• pedicure

The chunks will be 25lbs.  Everytime I hit a milestone of 25lbs lost I will pick a treat and go do it.  I will probably purchase gift certificates on a mass purchase site like Groupon or Wagjag etc, to keep the prices down.  When I hit my big goal, I doing a whole spa day baby!  Gimme the works!  :)

Stress

Like many of the essential things in life: we need a certain amount of stress to survive, yet too much can kill us. Clifford Kuhn, M.D. The Laugh Doctor


We may need stress in our lives to alert our body and mind to certain aspects - hunger, thirst, flight or fight modes; but nobody needs the amount of stress 5 sick children and a sick husband can give a person!


Some sort of plague has settled in at our house.  I feel like there should be a gigantic X across our front door warning any and all visitors to stay away.

My oldest has been sick for over a month, he just can't shake it.  He was at the hospital this evening getting chest and sinus xrays and 3 yes 3! new prescriptions!  The youngest has been sick on and off for about 3 weeks, he is on antibiotics and the nebulizer to kick the rattle in his little chest.  The girls have just this past weekend fallen prey to these nasty, nasty germs.  There have been fevers, coughing, whining, crying, puking, sniffling, sneezing, more crying, lots more whining.  Add to that, someone needing  medication every couple of hours throughout the night and I am sure you get the picture.

We have been routinely disinfecting railings, doors, doorknobs, high frequency touch points, toilets, faucets etc with the hopes we would finally beat this thing but to no avail.  Whatever this bug is, it is a tough one.  When I called into the school today to advise them of the absences, I was told there were over 100 students out sick!  The Doctor's offices are full to overflowing, the emergency rooms have waits of over 10 hours!  The "Urgent Care" that my son went to tonight which usually boasts of getting patients through in under an hour - took 4 hours.


Somehow I have remained relatively unscathed.  A few sniffles, an occasional sore throat and a short temper have been the worst for me.  I shudder to think what will happen if I finally succumb to this thing.


So now that you have a mental image of what my days have been like, is it any wonder I went a little crazy on the Easter candy I bought?  I have been doing so well!  Snacking on oranges instead of treats, drinking water when I have a craving instead of caving.  Stopping and thinking through why I want to eat, instead of just grabbing the nearest sugary treat.  But today, after another dose of steroids in the nebulizer for the toddler which results in him bouncing off the walls, being defiant and mouthy - I raided the secret Easter stash and gobbled up some caramel eggs - OK not some, 5 caramel eggs.  Enough to make me feel sick, ashamed and embarrassed!  But that is not all, I then went on to have a much larger than normal supper, a couple large glasses of juice (which I had been replacing with water), sat in front of the computer and then went to bed.

It is as if, in one day, I have completely undone all my hard work of the last month!  I am racked with guilt and feel so stupid.  


Normally, at this point I would say chuck it all and completely go off my diet, weight loss plan, exercise plan, whatever you want to call it.  I would be so hard on myself, full of negative thoughts, criticisms, etc.

But this time is going to be different.  Did I screw up?  Yes of course!  Did the world end?  Of course not.  I stumbled, I will stumble again I am sure.  But I can't allow the stumble to be more important that the successes I have accomplished this month.  I can't allow one mistake to overshadow all the good I have done!


So as of right now, I am back on the proverbial wagon.  Already had my oranges as a snack, about to get my trusty water container filled up, and will be heading out for a walk on my work break!

Criticism

My husband says I look for criticism where none is intended.  That I search for a hidden negative in the things that are said to me.  This would be some of the "stuff" that Christopher Adams says I would need to work on.  In his response to me via our Facebook Support Group he says

"...... it all highlights areas of internal challenges for you (if you didnt have them then whatever anyone around you said or did wouldnt bother you in the slightest). In fact it can often be a great barometer of your internal progress is how you react internally to them. It important to distinguish between what's your 'stuff' and what's their 'stuff'...."

He wrote that in response to my post about not telling friends and family about this program.  And he is absolutely correct; this particular pile of "stuff" IS something I need to work on.  I need to stop looking to others to validate me, my ideas and myself worth.  It shouldn't matter so much what others think of me or don't think of me - but it does.  I love these posts I found on Pinterest.

I have undergone a metamorphosis this past year.  

Almost exactly 1 year ago today, emotionally I hit rock bottom, my marriage was shaky, I had to take a LOA from work, and my depression had hit an all time low.  I had come to the point where I could not take one more ounce of stress, one more complaint, one more criticism, one more of anything.  I had a meltdown in my kitchen that scared my husband so badly he took me to the hospital to be assessed.  It is still very hard to share; I have kept it a secret from almost everyone.  I felt a lot of shame about the whole ordeal and embarrassment at having been admitted to the psych ward for a couple of days until they could get my medication at its proper levels and I had a couple of sessions with a therapist and more sessions set up.  Was I suicidal?  No I wasn't, but they were concerned.

For most of my life I had been using food and spending as a way to self soothe all my emotions.  Well the spending had caused major debt trouble for my household and my marriage to almost end and as such the eating issues were at an all time high.  In my post-admission therapy sessions we talked a lot about self worth, dignity, inner strength and pride of self.  I have spent this year working on those areas, I have my spending addiction under control, have become adept at standing up for myself and no longer allowing people to use me as a doormat.  I have begun to understand that allowing people to make me feel bad about myself and then resenting them for that is useless. 

 I have kept close to me these two quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt -

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

The choices I had made, the inferiority I felt, the resentfulness I had allowed to fester over each little hurt (whether intentional or not) had gotten me to that point.  I was never going to allow myself to be that person again.  

Last year was the year to change the inner me - to work on battling the self defeating demons that kept me from a successful marriage, success at work and feeling good about myself.  

This is the year I work to change the outer me.  Losing weight and getting healthy.  I still have some work to do on the inner dialogue I have running in my head and that is what I hope the hypnosis kit will help me with.  But with my new found strength and pride in self, I feel more ready and confident than I ever have before that this time; I can be successful in getting healthy!

Criticism is still hard to hear when I know it is coming, and still far too easy to think I hear in the words of others.  But I am getting better and better at coping with both forms.  I will no longer allow other people's "stuff" to become my "stuff".  I have enough "stuff" of my own to deal with!

Improving the Entire Package

From the Christopher Adams Training website


"Food isn't just a hunger thing, it's also an emotional thing. Food comforts and fills a void that is ongoing. The surgery might stop the food going in but cannot address the real reasons for over-eating, binge eating and excess. That's what makes us very, very different and hugely successful. Our program goes deep into the issues that cause your problems in the first place. It answers questions like why does this really happen? When did it begin? How can I stop it happening again. These are core, deep issues that are rarely if ever covered by conventional treatments. We go to the core. This helps you to lose weight and keep off your weight."

According to the website using this program should prepare me for life long changes.  Changes that occur not just in my body, but in my mind, my emotions and my heart.  

Emotionally, instead of focusing on not eating, it should help me focus in on WHY I want to eat and address those issues.

Psychologically, I hope it will help me re-direct those feelings into positive actions - better food choices, exercise, relaxation, ways to deal with stress.

For my heart, <fingers crossed> the program will help me to love myself, be gentle with myself and to forgive myself.

Those three aspects I think are the most important part of the entire thing.  Would convincing my body that my stomach was significantly smaller be great??  DUH!  Of course it would.  But that wouldn't stop me from treating every emotion from elation, to stress, from heartache to boredom with food.  It wouldn't allow me to forgive myself and not beat myself up if I happen to slip up.

That physical side of it is awesome and I sincerely hope it works.  But at the end of this journey, I really am looking forward to the entire package being improved, not just the part I can see in the mirror.