Can Inspiration beat out fear?

Can I tell you a secret?  I feel silly even typing this out.  Every time I picture myself doing it, I imagine people pointing and laughing...I want to participate in the Niagara Falls Marathon this coming October by running the 5k Event.

Last year I stood at the finish line waiting for my then 11 year old daughter to cross with her schoolmates.  They had participated in the Schools Marathon Challenge that had them running at school during September and October, then they joined the marathon for the last couple of kilometres bringing their total combined running distance to 40km.

While waiting for the kids, I was able to watch as competitors in the 5k/10k events cross the finish line.  Lots of them were what you would expect from runners - lean, wiry, excellent shape.  But some of them we senior citizens, a man recovering from heart surgery, breast cancer survivors, obese people, families, fathers and their young children.  Sometimes as a person crossed, the announcer would give out tidbits of information - for example the man recovering from heart surgery, he had the surgery 6 months prior and had decided to make radical changes to his life.

I was so proud of these people.  Truth be told, I paid very little attention to the regular runners, I waited very impatiently for all the rest, the unexpected runners, the ones with stories.  I repeatedly teared up as they finished their races, so impressed and touched by what I imagined their journeys had entailed to get to that point.  Some were taking pictures of themselves as they passed  under the banner - their pride shining out for the world to see.  Others had whole cheering sections going wild for them.  For the ones that ran with friends, there were laughs, hugs and some tears of joy and accomplishment.

Looking around at the rest of the cheering crowds, I didn't see derision or mocking on their faces.  They seemed to be feeling the same things, cheering for every single person that finished their events.  Why would it be any different if I were to participate?

I try to imagine my entire family there at the finish line, cheering wildly and waving signs or posters as I came down the road - but sadly I can't.  My parents wouldn't make it because it would be too difficult for my father and he can't stand loud crowds.  My older sister would make excuses that she had other commitments.  My little sister would probably come, but she would be busy paying attention to other things.

My husband and kids would be there, but unless I made the signs and posters with the little ones, it wouldn't happen.  And I would get to hear about how stressful it is to have all the kids in a giant crazy crowd like that and how hard it was on him waiting and waiting for the event to be finished.

I could put out a general invite to some friends but I would be shattered if none of them came.

I'm half tempted to just do it but not tell anyone, just so I don't have to be disappointed with their lack of encouragement.  It would be easier to just do the run without any expectations than to be horribly disappointed at the end.

Is this too big of a goal?  Can goals be too big?  If I start really working toward this, I have 8 months to train and prepare.  Technically it is a 5k Run/Walk, so even if I am not able to run the whole thing, but rather do a combination, it would still be a significant accomplishment.

Gosh, I have a whole lot of positive self talking to do!

Criticism

My husband says I look for criticism where none is intended.  That I search for a hidden negative in the things that are said to me.  This would be some of the "stuff" that Christopher Adams says I would need to work on.  In his response to me via our Facebook Support Group he says

"...... it all highlights areas of internal challenges for you (if you didnt have them then whatever anyone around you said or did wouldnt bother you in the slightest). In fact it can often be a great barometer of your internal progress is how you react internally to them. It important to distinguish between what's your 'stuff' and what's their 'stuff'...."

He wrote that in response to my post about not telling friends and family about this program.  And he is absolutely correct; this particular pile of "stuff" IS something I need to work on.  I need to stop looking to others to validate me, my ideas and myself worth.  It shouldn't matter so much what others think of me or don't think of me - but it does.  I love these posts I found on Pinterest.

I have undergone a metamorphosis this past year.  

Almost exactly 1 year ago today, emotionally I hit rock bottom, my marriage was shaky, I had to take a LOA from work, and my depression had hit an all time low.  I had come to the point where I could not take one more ounce of stress, one more complaint, one more criticism, one more of anything.  I had a meltdown in my kitchen that scared my husband so badly he took me to the hospital to be assessed.  It is still very hard to share; I have kept it a secret from almost everyone.  I felt a lot of shame about the whole ordeal and embarrassment at having been admitted to the psych ward for a couple of days until they could get my medication at its proper levels and I had a couple of sessions with a therapist and more sessions set up.  Was I suicidal?  No I wasn't, but they were concerned.

For most of my life I had been using food and spending as a way to self soothe all my emotions.  Well the spending had caused major debt trouble for my household and my marriage to almost end and as such the eating issues were at an all time high.  In my post-admission therapy sessions we talked a lot about self worth, dignity, inner strength and pride of self.  I have spent this year working on those areas, I have my spending addiction under control, have become adept at standing up for myself and no longer allowing people to use me as a doormat.  I have begun to understand that allowing people to make me feel bad about myself and then resenting them for that is useless. 

 I have kept close to me these two quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt -

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

The choices I had made, the inferiority I felt, the resentfulness I had allowed to fester over each little hurt (whether intentional or not) had gotten me to that point.  I was never going to allow myself to be that person again.  

Last year was the year to change the inner me - to work on battling the self defeating demons that kept me from a successful marriage, success at work and feeling good about myself.  

This is the year I work to change the outer me.  Losing weight and getting healthy.  I still have some work to do on the inner dialogue I have running in my head and that is what I hope the hypnosis kit will help me with.  But with my new found strength and pride in self, I feel more ready and confident than I ever have before that this time; I can be successful in getting healthy!

Criticism is still hard to hear when I know it is coming, and still far too easy to think I hear in the words of others.  But I am getting better and better at coping with both forms.  I will no longer allow other people's "stuff" to become my "stuff".  I have enough "stuff" of my own to deal with!

Improving the Entire Package

From the Christopher Adams Training website


"Food isn't just a hunger thing, it's also an emotional thing. Food comforts and fills a void that is ongoing. The surgery might stop the food going in but cannot address the real reasons for over-eating, binge eating and excess. That's what makes us very, very different and hugely successful. Our program goes deep into the issues that cause your problems in the first place. It answers questions like why does this really happen? When did it begin? How can I stop it happening again. These are core, deep issues that are rarely if ever covered by conventional treatments. We go to the core. This helps you to lose weight and keep off your weight."

According to the website using this program should prepare me for life long changes.  Changes that occur not just in my body, but in my mind, my emotions and my heart.  

Emotionally, instead of focusing on not eating, it should help me focus in on WHY I want to eat and address those issues.

Psychologically, I hope it will help me re-direct those feelings into positive actions - better food choices, exercise, relaxation, ways to deal with stress.

For my heart, <fingers crossed> the program will help me to love myself, be gentle with myself and to forgive myself.

Those three aspects I think are the most important part of the entire thing.  Would convincing my body that my stomach was significantly smaller be great??  DUH!  Of course it would.  But that wouldn't stop me from treating every emotion from elation, to stress, from heartache to boredom with food.  It wouldn't allow me to forgive myself and not beat myself up if I happen to slip up.

That physical side of it is awesome and I sincerely hope it works.  But at the end of this journey, I really am looking forward to the entire package being improved, not just the part I can see in the mirror.