Not fast enough - but it will have to do

I withstood the pressures of the Easter long weekend pretty well.  We had the usual family get together with lots of food, treats and desserts.  But, I was sensible and kept my portions small but varied - getting lots of tastes and flavours without over indulging.  I even did pretty good with the chocolate - I had an occasional mini chocolate pilfered from one of the kids baskets, but not the choco-fest I would have had in the past.

Kids are sick AGAIN!  So again, my trips to the gym are limited, but I have been increasing my walk during my lunch hour to compensate.

My Doctor's advice all these years was just to watch my portion size - if I did that the weight would just melt away.  Other's told me to simply add more water to my diet and I would notice "immediate results".  And of course everyone has said to just get moving - not necessarily exercise but just get moving more - walk more.

So I have done all those things PLUS listening to the tracks and while the weight is coming off VERY slowly, I had hoped for something a little more dramatic.

I guess I had expected that by doing everything "right", I would see immediate results - just like everyone said I would.  Now I don't know if another person would see dramatic results and it is just my body being stubborn or what, but I would certainly enjoy seeing the numbers on the scale going down at a much quicker rate.

Need a Boost

This week has really been a killer for me.  With everyone still sick, my days at home are extra long, my stress level is high, there is a lot going on that affects me emotionally, I am not getting the sleep I need to function fully at my midnight job and I find I am reaching for food as an instant pick me up.  And of course it is the quick, easy, high calorie, high sugar content things that I want to reach for to give me that instant boost.

As part of my overall plan to get healthy, I have begun to limit myself to one coffee a day.  Relying on coffee or in my case mocha (coffee and hot chocolate mix) to get me through the day/night was very detrimental.  It is high calories, eases my thirst which keeps me from drinking nutritive/beneficial alternatives and just leaves me needing another one in an hour or so.  The roller coaster of the sugar and caffeine highs leaves my body constantly craving more.

Yesterday morning, after leaving work, I went home with the best of intentions, I was going to have just a little snack before sleeping to keep my blood sugar even, but once I started it was like I couldn't stop.  My mind, my body, my entire being was crying out for sleep but I just NEEDED to have more.  Since this was technically my "supper" for the day, I had a limited number of calories I could use - about 1000 - which I blew through pretty quickly with some Eggo Cinnamon Waffles.  If I had just eaten a regular portion and then some protein I would have been fine.  If I had just chosen something completely different - something healthier I would at least have had the satisfaction that is was good for me.  If I had just walked away and gone to bed after the first portion I would have been fine. But I didn't, I went back for more, and then more.

Later, when the guilt wouldn't let me sleep(starting the cycle all over again), I tried working through the Ws in my head.

• Why did I do it?
• What did I think it was going to accomplish?
• Which need was I really fulfilling?
• When did I stop eating to assuage my hunger/energy and begin to eat for comfort?
• Why didn't I stop myself?
• When was I going to get control over this?

I never did get answers to all of the questions, but I haven't stopped trying.  In order to bust out of this pattern, I need to come to grips with why I do it.  This morning after work, my plan is a small bowl of cereal, some yoghurt and fruit.  The I am going to settle in and start listening to the food and inner change tracks.  I haven't gotten to them yet - avoidance is another issue I deal with! 

 I am hesitant to deal with the bigger issues that hide behind the weight, to take it all out of hiding, brush it off and take a good hard look at it all.  When I am honest with myself, that is why the use of the hypnosis tracks has stalled.  

Stress

Like many of the essential things in life: we need a certain amount of stress to survive, yet too much can kill us. Clifford Kuhn, M.D. The Laugh Doctor


We may need stress in our lives to alert our body and mind to certain aspects - hunger, thirst, flight or fight modes; but nobody needs the amount of stress 5 sick children and a sick husband can give a person!


Some sort of plague has settled in at our house.  I feel like there should be a gigantic X across our front door warning any and all visitors to stay away.

My oldest has been sick for over a month, he just can't shake it.  He was at the hospital this evening getting chest and sinus xrays and 3 yes 3! new prescriptions!  The youngest has been sick on and off for about 3 weeks, he is on antibiotics and the nebulizer to kick the rattle in his little chest.  The girls have just this past weekend fallen prey to these nasty, nasty germs.  There have been fevers, coughing, whining, crying, puking, sniffling, sneezing, more crying, lots more whining.  Add to that, someone needing  medication every couple of hours throughout the night and I am sure you get the picture.

We have been routinely disinfecting railings, doors, doorknobs, high frequency touch points, toilets, faucets etc with the hopes we would finally beat this thing but to no avail.  Whatever this bug is, it is a tough one.  When I called into the school today to advise them of the absences, I was told there were over 100 students out sick!  The Doctor's offices are full to overflowing, the emergency rooms have waits of over 10 hours!  The "Urgent Care" that my son went to tonight which usually boasts of getting patients through in under an hour - took 4 hours.


Somehow I have remained relatively unscathed.  A few sniffles, an occasional sore throat and a short temper have been the worst for me.  I shudder to think what will happen if I finally succumb to this thing.


So now that you have a mental image of what my days have been like, is it any wonder I went a little crazy on the Easter candy I bought?  I have been doing so well!  Snacking on oranges instead of treats, drinking water when I have a craving instead of caving.  Stopping and thinking through why I want to eat, instead of just grabbing the nearest sugary treat.  But today, after another dose of steroids in the nebulizer for the toddler which results in him bouncing off the walls, being defiant and mouthy - I raided the secret Easter stash and gobbled up some caramel eggs - OK not some, 5 caramel eggs.  Enough to make me feel sick, ashamed and embarrassed!  But that is not all, I then went on to have a much larger than normal supper, a couple large glasses of juice (which I had been replacing with water), sat in front of the computer and then went to bed.

It is as if, in one day, I have completely undone all my hard work of the last month!  I am racked with guilt and feel so stupid.  


Normally, at this point I would say chuck it all and completely go off my diet, weight loss plan, exercise plan, whatever you want to call it.  I would be so hard on myself, full of negative thoughts, criticisms, etc.

But this time is going to be different.  Did I screw up?  Yes of course!  Did the world end?  Of course not.  I stumbled, I will stumble again I am sure.  But I can't allow the stumble to be more important that the successes I have accomplished this month.  I can't allow one mistake to overshadow all the good I have done!


So as of right now, I am back on the proverbial wagon.  Already had my oranges as a snack, about to get my trusty water container filled up, and will be heading out for a walk on my work break!