Stress

Like many of the essential things in life: we need a certain amount of stress to survive, yet too much can kill us. Clifford Kuhn, M.D. The Laugh Doctor


We may need stress in our lives to alert our body and mind to certain aspects - hunger, thirst, flight or fight modes; but nobody needs the amount of stress 5 sick children and a sick husband can give a person!


Some sort of plague has settled in at our house.  I feel like there should be a gigantic X across our front door warning any and all visitors to stay away.

My oldest has been sick for over a month, he just can't shake it.  He was at the hospital this evening getting chest and sinus xrays and 3 yes 3! new prescriptions!  The youngest has been sick on and off for about 3 weeks, he is on antibiotics and the nebulizer to kick the rattle in his little chest.  The girls have just this past weekend fallen prey to these nasty, nasty germs.  There have been fevers, coughing, whining, crying, puking, sniffling, sneezing, more crying, lots more whining.  Add to that, someone needing  medication every couple of hours throughout the night and I am sure you get the picture.

We have been routinely disinfecting railings, doors, doorknobs, high frequency touch points, toilets, faucets etc with the hopes we would finally beat this thing but to no avail.  Whatever this bug is, it is a tough one.  When I called into the school today to advise them of the absences, I was told there were over 100 students out sick!  The Doctor's offices are full to overflowing, the emergency rooms have waits of over 10 hours!  The "Urgent Care" that my son went to tonight which usually boasts of getting patients through in under an hour - took 4 hours.


Somehow I have remained relatively unscathed.  A few sniffles, an occasional sore throat and a short temper have been the worst for me.  I shudder to think what will happen if I finally succumb to this thing.


So now that you have a mental image of what my days have been like, is it any wonder I went a little crazy on the Easter candy I bought?  I have been doing so well!  Snacking on oranges instead of treats, drinking water when I have a craving instead of caving.  Stopping and thinking through why I want to eat, instead of just grabbing the nearest sugary treat.  But today, after another dose of steroids in the nebulizer for the toddler which results in him bouncing off the walls, being defiant and mouthy - I raided the secret Easter stash and gobbled up some caramel eggs - OK not some, 5 caramel eggs.  Enough to make me feel sick, ashamed and embarrassed!  But that is not all, I then went on to have a much larger than normal supper, a couple large glasses of juice (which I had been replacing with water), sat in front of the computer and then went to bed.

It is as if, in one day, I have completely undone all my hard work of the last month!  I am racked with guilt and feel so stupid.  


Normally, at this point I would say chuck it all and completely go off my diet, weight loss plan, exercise plan, whatever you want to call it.  I would be so hard on myself, full of negative thoughts, criticisms, etc.

But this time is going to be different.  Did I screw up?  Yes of course!  Did the world end?  Of course not.  I stumbled, I will stumble again I am sure.  But I can't allow the stumble to be more important that the successes I have accomplished this month.  I can't allow one mistake to overshadow all the good I have done!


So as of right now, I am back on the proverbial wagon.  Already had my oranges as a snack, about to get my trusty water container filled up, and will be heading out for a walk on my work break!

Criticism

My husband says I look for criticism where none is intended.  That I search for a hidden negative in the things that are said to me.  This would be some of the "stuff" that Christopher Adams says I would need to work on.  In his response to me via our Facebook Support Group he says

"...... it all highlights areas of internal challenges for you (if you didnt have them then whatever anyone around you said or did wouldnt bother you in the slightest). In fact it can often be a great barometer of your internal progress is how you react internally to them. It important to distinguish between what's your 'stuff' and what's their 'stuff'...."

He wrote that in response to my post about not telling friends and family about this program.  And he is absolutely correct; this particular pile of "stuff" IS something I need to work on.  I need to stop looking to others to validate me, my ideas and myself worth.  It shouldn't matter so much what others think of me or don't think of me - but it does.  I love these posts I found on Pinterest.

I have undergone a metamorphosis this past year.  

Almost exactly 1 year ago today, emotionally I hit rock bottom, my marriage was shaky, I had to take a LOA from work, and my depression had hit an all time low.  I had come to the point where I could not take one more ounce of stress, one more complaint, one more criticism, one more of anything.  I had a meltdown in my kitchen that scared my husband so badly he took me to the hospital to be assessed.  It is still very hard to share; I have kept it a secret from almost everyone.  I felt a lot of shame about the whole ordeal and embarrassment at having been admitted to the psych ward for a couple of days until they could get my medication at its proper levels and I had a couple of sessions with a therapist and more sessions set up.  Was I suicidal?  No I wasn't, but they were concerned.

For most of my life I had been using food and spending as a way to self soothe all my emotions.  Well the spending had caused major debt trouble for my household and my marriage to almost end and as such the eating issues were at an all time high.  In my post-admission therapy sessions we talked a lot about self worth, dignity, inner strength and pride of self.  I have spent this year working on those areas, I have my spending addiction under control, have become adept at standing up for myself and no longer allowing people to use me as a doormat.  I have begun to understand that allowing people to make me feel bad about myself and then resenting them for that is useless. 

 I have kept close to me these two quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt -

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

The choices I had made, the inferiority I felt, the resentfulness I had allowed to fester over each little hurt (whether intentional or not) had gotten me to that point.  I was never going to allow myself to be that person again.  

Last year was the year to change the inner me - to work on battling the self defeating demons that kept me from a successful marriage, success at work and feeling good about myself.  

This is the year I work to change the outer me.  Losing weight and getting healthy.  I still have some work to do on the inner dialogue I have running in my head and that is what I hope the hypnosis kit will help me with.  But with my new found strength and pride in self, I feel more ready and confident than I ever have before that this time; I can be successful in getting healthy!

Criticism is still hard to hear when I know it is coming, and still far too easy to think I hear in the words of others.  But I am getting better and better at coping with both forms.  I will no longer allow other people's "stuff" to become my "stuff".  I have enough "stuff" of my own to deal with!

Improving the Entire Package

From the Christopher Adams Training website


"Food isn't just a hunger thing, it's also an emotional thing. Food comforts and fills a void that is ongoing. The surgery might stop the food going in but cannot address the real reasons for over-eating, binge eating and excess. That's what makes us very, very different and hugely successful. Our program goes deep into the issues that cause your problems in the first place. It answers questions like why does this really happen? When did it begin? How can I stop it happening again. These are core, deep issues that are rarely if ever covered by conventional treatments. We go to the core. This helps you to lose weight and keep off your weight."

According to the website using this program should prepare me for life long changes.  Changes that occur not just in my body, but in my mind, my emotions and my heart.  

Emotionally, instead of focusing on not eating, it should help me focus in on WHY I want to eat and address those issues.

Psychologically, I hope it will help me re-direct those feelings into positive actions - better food choices, exercise, relaxation, ways to deal with stress.

For my heart, <fingers crossed> the program will help me to love myself, be gentle with myself and to forgive myself.

Those three aspects I think are the most important part of the entire thing.  Would convincing my body that my stomach was significantly smaller be great??  DUH!  Of course it would.  But that wouldn't stop me from treating every emotion from elation, to stress, from heartache to boredom with food.  It wouldn't allow me to forgive myself and not beat myself up if I happen to slip up.

That physical side of it is awesome and I sincerely hope it works.  But at the end of this journey, I really am looking forward to the entire package being improved, not just the part I can see in the mirror.

Transparency.....or lack of it

Right now on the Facebook support page for those of us who have purchased the program, I started a poll. The results are surprising I think for everyone.

The question I asked was "Do your friends and family know you are doing this program?"

Now we can't attach too much importance on the results as only 7 of 119 members have responded, but so far, 5 of the 7 have admitted they are keeping the program a secret.

I asked the respondents for more - explanations or information - why are they keeping it a secret. Only one person responded so far - ...afraid of another failure.

I can totally relate to that. I think just the idea of failure keeps us - or at least me from even trying. Even if I can envision myself finally losing the weight - the daydream always turns into a nightmare of me gaining it all back plus more. The idea of working that hard only to end up worse than I was is heartbreaking.

Of course - it is a very real fear, the women I used to work with would go through spurts of dieting and exercising. They would lose the weight, look awesome and then "poof!", it was all back on. It was a constant cycle. It didn't matter if they were using Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Dr. Bernstein etc., or if they were doing it on their own. Whether it was a solitary journey or with a diet buddy. Everyday at lunch we would get a full breakdown of their current attempt - calories, points, allowed food vs. not allowed food, amount of exercise, how many pounds they had lost, did they pee before weigh in, did they remember to wear weightless clothes? They were obsessed with it and made sure we all knew every little piece of information. Not a one of them kept the weight off.

How demoralizing that must be. I don't know if I am emotionally strong enough to deal with it.

Logically I know that they viewed the process as a diet - not a long term, life long change of habit and lifestyle. So logically I know that they set themselves up for failure before they even started. They started down a path they could not continue for the rest of their lives. Too restrictive, too narrow, everything focused on eating/not eating and not on living.

OK, back to the poll results. This is my explanation of why I don't tell my friends and family.
"there are a number of reasons, my family splinters into hyper manic cheerleaders, obsessive convulsive calorie counters, and Eeyore like naysayers. I really don't need the added stress of their expectations, criticisms and feeling like I am living under a microscope. I am being open and honest in my blog and that is enough for me right now"

What that basically amounts to is, I too am afraid of failure. I am afraid to stand up and announce to the world (or at least my inner circle) that yet again, I am on a "diet" bandwagon. I am afraid to subject myself to someone else monitoring (well meaning-ly of course) my every mouthful. I am afraid to see judgement and disappointment in their eyes. I am afraid to listen to them criticize the program and me have to defend it so early on.

Christopher Adams responded with 

"As an interesting aside - all of that "added stress of their expectations" etc, can be great stuff to work on. Because it all highlights areas of internal challenges for you (if you didnt have them then whatever anyone around you said or did wouldnt bother you in the slightest). In fact it can often be a great barometer of your internal progress is how you react internally to them. It important to distinguish between what's your 'stuff' and what's their 'stuff'. What they do thats all about them - how you act in response to them - that's all about you. And as far as holding a mirror up to us our families are normally excellent at knowing which buttons to push. There's a great saying - "if you think you are enlightened, go home and live with your parents again" :)"

Honestly, I guess I am just not enlightened enough or strong enough. Currently it is taking everything I have to handle my crazy hectic daily life and work on this program. I don't have anything extra left over to deal with figuring out my stuff vs their stuff. All I know is that it affects me negatively and I need to minimize that so I can focus on this important new endeavor. As I become stronger, emotionally more in tune with myself and enjoying some successes, then I will move onto how/why they affect me in the way they do.

Exercise

As a child, playing, running, jumping and having a great time was the highlight of my day.  When did that change?  When did exercise become a bad word?  Why did it become an effort instead of something that was fun and something to look forward to?


Looking back, as I hit puberty and the weight started to stay on, I re-developed my childhood asthma, that put a big crimp in my exercising and I began to fear it.  Exertion of any type would leave me winded, gasping for oxygen and possibly vomiting or passing out.  Add to that my great propensity for getting injured - many injuries to ankles, knees, ligaments and tendons that left me the walking wounded.  And I am beginning to see how exercise had lost its allure.


Fast forward to my college - between part time jobs, interning (for free!) and my classes, there was very little extra time in my schedule.  The small bits we could scrape together usually found us hanging out at a pub, having wings and beer and possibly doing homework on the side.




I made numerous attempts to get fit throughout the early years of marriage - but the kids came so fast and were such a hindrance to getting to a gym.  Just trying to get out the door with 3 kids under 3 and all the things that they require left me frazzled and exhausted.  Getting to the gym and trying to fit in a work out between the limited time two of them could be in childcare and the 3rd could be in a tots program left me rushing and unable to participate in the group programs such as aerobics, and there by limiting my sense of accountability to anyone there.  By the time I dragged 3 tired and cranky kids to the van, I was so frustrated, on the verge of tears and would binge at the nearest drive through!

As subsequent children came and the weight kept on coming, activities such as walking, biking and going to the park just became more and more difficult.


Fast forward another 10 years and I am happy to say we again have a family membership at the YMCA which is just a short drive away.  We have it scheduled in stone that we go as a family 3x a week.  Now I still experience the frustration of getting everyone where they need to go, and working within their schedules, but we are working on it.  Of course if anyone is sick and can't go I am still the one that ends up staying home with them, but that is a discussion I need to have with my dh and not just expect him to realize I would like to go that day.  On the days I do get there, I get on the treadmill and do my 30 mins on cardio hills.  I have my earphones in and zone out to an audiobook.  If I don't listen to a book, I spend the whole time watching the clock and then suddenly I can't complete the 30 mins.  Then I do some cool down laps on the track and do another 15 mins on the bike.  By then, it is time to pick up the toddler.  Lately, with all the colds and flus going around, I have only been making it about 1x a week.  While it is better than nothing, I really would like to improve that.


I also have invested in Wii Zumba.  It is fun and really gets me moving....when I actually do it.  I would love to do Zumba with a real class, but until I get past my embarrassment at my less than stellar moves, the Wii version will have to suffice!


Today, I did my 20 mins of Zumba and then put on Just Dance 2 and did the Just Sweat Mode for 8 songs!  Now sitting here with my big drink of water, I am feeling pretty darn good about myself.  I have two sick kids at home, but where I normally would have used that as an excuse not to exercise, I DID IT!

As always, the quotes and pics I use have been found on Pinterest - I have a whole board set up with Weight Loss Inspirations!

Blogging, Tracking, Journaling and Accountability

To quote Christopher Adams..." Open blogs/ journals etc are a great idea - because they bring things out in the open. Being as open, honest and transparent as possible is the key when creating a change."

I might have an open blog and am beginning the process of being open, honest and transparent, but that is only in the anonymous world of the internet.  I haven't told my friends and family about this program.  At first it was because I didn't want to hear their skepticism, sarcasm and jokes.  Now it is because I fear their disappointment if I fail yet again.  I don't have the emotional strength to be accountable, transparent and under the microscope to my loved ones just yet.  As things progress and my success is visible and tangible, then I will give them the link to this blog.

When it comes to tracking, here is my plan.  As soon as I work up the courage I will take a picture of myself - you know the one I'm talking about - how the contestants on The Biggest Loser look - sports bra and shorts.  Yikes!  I just want to apologize in advance for subjecting you to that!  It is not a pretty sight.  There will be lumps and bumps, rolls and flab, stretch marks and scars.  But in keeping with my promise to be better to myself, let me put a better spin on all of it.  The lumps and bumps are my less than firm breasts - the ones that filled up and nourished all of my babies.  The rolls and flab, lots of accumulated baby weight that I just never got around to losing, residual reminders of birthday parties, family gatherings, banquets and picnics.  The stretchmarks are a no brainer - a constant (and pleasant) reminder of the strength of my body, the wonder of the miracle of life.  I love this post I found on Pinterest  

Okay, back to tracking, I will take my measurements and post them beside my headless picture - it has to be headless, I just can't post a pic on the internet of me like that!

I will update the picture and measurements once a month and my current weight 2x a month.

Another Pinterest bit of inspiration.

And it begins....

OK, where to start?  Gosh, so much to say, so much to do, so much pressure to really succeed this time.  I guess, I am going to start with the biggest reasons I want to make these changes.  In no particular order except the first one which is the most important to me.

• The need to be healthy enough and energetic enough to play with my children.
• I want to look in the mirror without cringing
• I want to feel better
• I don't want my pre-diabetes to turn into full blown diabetes
• I want my husband to be proud of me
• I would really love a whole new wardrobe!  :)
• I want to improve my quality of life
• My knees are KILLING me
• The people I love are worried about my health
• Losing weight, getting healthy and feeling better about myself will help me get a handle on my recurring bouts of depression that require medication.
• Setting a better example for my children.
• To prove that all those times I told myself I couldn't do it - I was wrong.

Over the years, I have halfheartedly tried the usual fad diets, Weight Watchers, South Beach, Atkins...you know the usual route people take.  The biggest problem I had with them was I never believed I could spend the rest of my life adhering to such a restrictive lifestyle.  My life is not orderly, it is not well structured, it is not text book.  We fly by the seat of our pants a lot of time, rushing here, there and everywhere.  We enjoy being spontaneous, we live on a rather firm budget and the kids (beg to) do a whole lot of the cooking.  The midnight shift means my body clock is completely out of whack and I consume far too much caffeine to try and make it all work.

Food has always been my comfort, my anxiety killer, a solution to boredom, my companion while watching TV or driving long distances.  Chocolate and buttery popcorn are my favourite drugs of choice.

I have long known and understood that my relationship with food was dysfunctional, my body image was abysmal and my inner voice was downright abusive.  What I didn't know or understand was how to change it.  Just thinking about going to therapy to discuss the causes for it all drove me to the fridge or candy aisle.  My few attempts ended with me bingeing after hitting up the nearest drive thru.  It was easier just to quit - but it wasn't right, it wasn't smart and it wasn't healthy - mentally, physically or emotionally.

Admittedly, what first drew me to the Gastric Bypass Hypnosis program was the fact that it was only $69 through Groupon.  The second appealing thing was the idea that I would have results without work - I regret to say that was just wishful thinking.  There is always work to do for anything that is important.  And this IS important to me.  

If this program works out the way I believe it should - the preparatory tracks will  

• help me get my head on straight
• encourage me to believe in my ability to make this happen
• strengthen my resolve to exercise
• help me to relax so I can sleep better and feel more energetic

I have at this point only listened to the Introduction, Relaxation, Sleep and Exercise tracks.  I am going to spend at least a week, working on those and adding in the HypnoPlay track.

The relaxation and sleep tracks have been greatly appreciated.  I have been able to calm my mind, settle my thoughts and slip into a deep, refreshing, dreamless sleep.  This is a godsend and already is worth the money I spent.

The exercise track I listened to while walking on my break at work - not ideal but I figured I wouldn't fall asleep that way.  I need to dedicate time for myself each day to listen to the tracks.  I owe it to myself to do it.